Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing: a three ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

Dwight: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.

Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!

Erin: And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.

Erin: Did you grow up around here?
Kevin: No.
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin: Yes.

Gabe: Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.

Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, Yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No english, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!

Jim: [to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.

Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a backup plan. The boat was actually Plan C, the church was Plan B, and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Jim: I just wanna say how happy we are, that all of you are here tonight. And I want to especially thank those of you who have traveled from far away to be here with us tonight. Especially the Florida cousins, who obviously can't take a hint. Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?
Pam: Like a year!
Jim: I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with, but I think even then I knew that...I was waiting for my wife.

Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So, I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

Jim: This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Jim: You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I'm think I'm definitely in it for the money. And, quite honestly, the women.

Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim: I don't think so.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Forget the question.
Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: Why would you just say something like that?
Michael: Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.