Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

Andy: Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.
Jim: There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.
Kevin: Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.

Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.

Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe?
Darryl: Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.
Andy: That's really nice. Thank you.
Darryl: And I'd blow your mind.

Andy: Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

Creed: Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. "Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa."
[cut to Darryl in interview]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

Deangelo: Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut I was itchy for three days, OK? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.

Deangelo: To beginnings and endings.
Michael: And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.
Deangelo: The moms and the troops.
Michael: Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.
Deangelo: I won't. I don't know her.
Michael: I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.
Deangelo: Colorado! The Sunshine State.
Michael: Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.
Deangelo: Doing some skiing?
Michael: No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.
Deangelo: Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.

Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir! Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!

Dwight: [reading Michael's recommendation letter] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. "The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme." That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme." [holding back tears] Lots more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulls out a small card from the envelope and reads it] "Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball." Oooh yeah.

Dwight: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.

Dwight: If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.

Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all: it's fear. Merry Christmas.

Dwight: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.