The Office (US) quotes
370 total quotesAndy: I am a leader. But you can only inspire people so much in a place like this. So today I'm turning the inspire-factor up to ten with a little help from my friend America's bloodiest battle.
Andy: If we as a group make five mistakes in a day, something bad happens. Like we block Minesweeper.
Dwight: Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Andy: What e-mails are you talking about?
Dwight: "Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
Andy: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight: "PS: We should kill him."
Dwight: Or in this case an e-mail gets sent to Robert California containing the consultant's report from last year. Remember the one that recommended the branch be shut down? And as a failsafe, every negative e-mail you've ever written about him to the group will also be forwarded to him.
Andy: What e-mails are you talking about?
Dwight: "Robert's favorite songs: 'Creep' by TLC, 'Creep' by Radiohead." Remember that one, Jim? "There's no way he hasn't strangled at least one stripper." Oscar. "He eats his yogurt like he's punishing it for disappointing him." Kelly.
Andy: That's not that bad actually.
Dwight: "PS: We should kill him."
Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her, so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, "Whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early!" I get it. I just, you know, I'm just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven't proposed to anyone in years.
Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like "not my job, not my prob, I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob!" ...Metaphorically, of course.
Darryl: I decided to stay home, eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Now my basement smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement. And taco air is heavy. It settles at the lowest point.
Dwight: Gabe, I always wondered what it is you did around here. Now I found out. You're the bagel guy.
Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
Gabe: Yeah. But not just bagels. All unwanted problems. Question: What's the most important appliance in your house?
Dwight: Meat grinder.
Gabe: [makes buzzer sound] Too slow. It's the toilet. And I am the toilet of this office. I flush away annoying problems so others can keep their hands clean. And, just like a toilet, I am essential.
Dwight: You know, Gabe? You could have gone with garbage disposal, incinerator, or eraser, and instead you chose toilet. God bless you. You're an American classic.
Dwight: Schrute farms is very easy to find. It's right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you've gone too far.
Dwight: What about my wish that we don't have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood?
Andy: That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Dwight: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: That I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon.
Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side?
Andy: Light side.
Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility?
Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent. Beachfront.
Dwight: Thank you, Andy.
Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy: Ah, OK.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?
Andy: Ah, OK.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: It's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: Y-you...wait, you mean you wish she wasn't here or something?
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground. With worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, OK? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?
Erin: I guess Andy isn't totally over his current girlfriend. But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn't survive...and I believe him.
Webisodes
Webisodes
Erin: Pam, how would you rate me as a receptionist on a scale of 1 to 3?
Pam: Um, two?
Erin: That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
Pam: Um, two?
Erin: That's like the second to last thing I wanted to hear.
Host: Alright guys, time's up. Who was the relatively unknown patent clerk who discovered that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared? Looks like everyone gets a point for Albert Einstein. Oh wait, except for The Einsteins.