The Office (US) quotes
370 total quotesDwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.
Jim: Dwight, Don't you need health insurance?
Dwight: Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
Dwight: Don't need it. Perfect immunity. I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you need to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.
Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Michael: Hi, I'm Michael Scott Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because Today is almost over.
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono... uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it's, um, it's really beyond words. It's really incalculcable.
Michael: When I retire, I--I don't want to just disappear to an island somewhere. I want to be the guy who gives everything back. I want it to be like: "Hey, who donated that hospital wing that is saving so many lives?" "Umm, well, uh, I don't know. It was anonymous." "Well, guess what? That was Michael Scott!" "But-- it was anonymous, how do you know?" "...Because I'm him!"
Oscar: [who is of Mexican descent] I can play basketball if you need any help.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Pam: [during a role-playing exercise; to Dwight, who's supposed to be Asian] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue and that I do not agree with, you would maybe... not be a very good driver.
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo
Dwight: Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo
Roy: Hey Jimmy, what do you think about purse girl?
Jim: Cute, sure.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Mmm... I don't think so, nope.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
Roy: That is disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Season 2
Jim: Cute, sure.
Roy: Why don't you get on that?
Jim: She's not really my type.
Roy: What are you, gay?
Jim: Mmm... I don't think so, nope.
Kevin: Well what is your type?
Jim: Moms primarily. Yup. Soccer moms, single moms, Nascar moms, any type of mom, really.
Roy: That is disgusting.
Kevin: Stay away from my mom.
Jim: Too late, Kev.
Season 2