Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Andy: I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Andy: What's that smell?
Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?

Bowling Alley Employee: [to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!

Charles: No, it is not.
Michael: No, it is not.
Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Okay, Michael.
Charles: No, seriously.
Michael: No, seriously.
Charles: How old are you?
Michael: How old are you?
[cuts to Pam in an interview]
Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Creed: So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
Creed: I don't know.

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.

Dwight: [Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!
Andy: I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight: Last year, idiot.

Dwight: [Interrupting Jim and Pam's kiss in the parking lot] You're back.
Pam: Uh, yeah.
Dwight: Good. [hands Pam a stack of papers] I need you to make five copies of these.
Pam: I'm not going inside.
Dwight: Alright, first thing in the morning then.
Jim: [to Pam] Welcome back.

Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: The KGB.
Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!
. . .
Jim: Ding dong.
Michael: Who's there?
Jim: The KGB.
Michael: ...Dwight, get the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering the door.
Michael: Answer the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering it.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: No way, its the KGB.
Jim: Ding dong, ding dong.
Dwight: I'm not gonna answer it.
Jim: [slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!
Dwight: ...It's true.

Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Dwight: This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business; she's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada â€� I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She's been waiting for me all these years, she's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.