The Office (US) quotes
370 total quotesKelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn't a tapeworm.
Kelly: Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.
Jim: Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
Kelly: [blank stare] I just told you.
Kelly: Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.
Jim: Your department's just you, right?
Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.
Jim: Your department's just you, right?
Kelly: Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.
Kevin: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.
Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.
Manager: Mr. Malone, your shoes are gone.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Kevin: They were stolen?
Manager: No, destroyed. When the bag was opened by our shoe shine, the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually.
Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes.
Manager: It became a safety issue, sir.
Meredith: [About Kelly] I like her nails.
Michael: Okay, be more specific.
Meredith: I like her finger nails.
Michael: Okay, be more specific.
Meredith: I like her finger nails.
Meredith: [reading her birthday card] This one's from Michael. "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.
Michael: Get it? 'Cause of the downsizing. Rumors. And 'cause you're getting old.
Meredith: I... get it.
Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.
Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[cut to Meredith in interview]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"
Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[cut to Meredith in interview]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"
Michael: *throws up in barf bag* I'm on medication.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin.
Brenda: Really? What?
Michael: Vomicillin.