Michael: [as Michael Scarn] It's going to take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn!

Michael: [calling from the conference room] Pam, come in here please.
Pam: Tell me before I come there.
Michael: [Apprehensively] I want you rub butter on my foot.
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

Michael: [imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?
Holly: [also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.
[Michael puts the ring on Holly's finger, and they kiss as everyone else pours in to congratulate them]
Michael: So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.
Kevin: All of us?
Michael: Yep.
Jim: Wait, what?
Michael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

Michael: [in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]

Michael: [on the phone] I don't understand... you want to see other people? ...Only other people?

Michael: [re: downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: [trying to motivate the employees for a basketball game] I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: Gimli.
Michael: Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

Michael: [voice-over as he leaves the office in a cab, arrives at the airport, and goes through security] Well, got almost everybody, so...Holly's my family now. She's my family, and the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that? [Cut to Michael at last checkpoint putting his shoes back on] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right...oh. [Removes the wireless mic from his jacket] This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [Hands device over. No audio] That's what she said. Bye.
[He walks a few steps until Pam, shoes in hand, catches up to him. The dialogue is not heard as they share a couple of hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and he walks down the airport as Pam looks on.]
Pam: No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope...about Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.

Michael: [while on hold with Sherry] I wish I could fire Sherry.
Sherry: I'm still here, Michael.
Michael: Err... OK, Sherry. Thank you.

Michael: A lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who's going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he'll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house. Neighbor's hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.

Michael: Ain't no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don't stop!

Michael: And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra. I mean look at that. Who has seen that before?
Creed: I have. That's the Union of the Monkey.
Meredith: Oh, that's what they call it!
Kevin: This is the best meeting that we have ever had.

Michael: Andy Bernard. Pros: he's classy. He gets me. He went to Cornell. I trust him. Cons: I don't really trust him.

Michael: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here, we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include "That's what she said?"
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. ...You really think you can go all day long? Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling, so...
Michael: That's what she said!