Jim: So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.

Jim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Dwight: Well, they whipped people, which was helpful.

Jim: This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? [Shows Pam his sheet; he has circled every disease on it] Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: [Laughs] I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.

Jim: Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.
Dwight: Who is Justice Beaver?
Jim: ...He's a crime fighting beaver.

Jim: You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I'm think I'm definitely in it for the money. And, quite honestly, the women.

Jim: You know what? I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

Jo: Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?
Dwight: Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.
Jo: What?!
Dwight: I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...
Jo: Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?
Dwight: It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.
Jo: Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.
Dwight: I take full responsibility.
Jo: Who else would be responsible?
Dwight: Pam made me put a banana in my holster.
Pam: You shot a gun off.
Dwight: OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.
Jo: Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.
Dwight: Got it.

Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim: I don't think so.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Forget the question.
Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: Why would you just say something like that?
Michael: Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.

Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well, nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.

Karen: Andy! No a cappella!

Karen: Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?
Dwight: Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.
Karen: I'm taking Stanley.
Dwight: Then we will burn Utica to the ground.
Michael: Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Kelly: Are you all right? This must be so awful for you.
Pam: What do you mean?
Kelly: Well, this was supposed to be your wedding.
Pam: Oh, um, no, that's, um, it's actually fine.
Kelly: There's no way it's fine, I'm sorry. If I was you, I would just like freak out, and get really drunk, and then tell someone I was pregnant.
Pam: Okay, that's a lot of good ideas. Thanks.

Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook.
Pam: [heard through Jim's Bluetooth] THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Jim: Good one.