Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

Statler: Ever gone to a witch doctor?
Waldorf: They're all witch. Ever heard of a poor doctor? (Both laughed)

Statler: Hey, bro!
Berle: What?
Statler: Hey, Berle? You know what? I'm just figure out your style.
Berle: Really?
Statler: You work like Gregory Peck.
Berle: Gregory Peck is not a comedian.
Statler: Well?
Berle: Just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian for half of my life.
Waldorf: How come we got this half?
Berle: Did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
Statler: That's right.
Berle: What's right?
Statler: We came in here to be entertained and we're not.
Berle: Oh, yeah? I'd love to see you come down here and be funny.
Waldorf: You first!
Berle: "Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't paying any attention to old folks. Let me tells the story.
Statler: Hey, bro!
Berle: Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
Berle: What I'm doing wrong?
Statler: Standing too close to the audience.
Berle: Oh, yeah? How is this?
Statler: You're still too close.
Berle: Oh, sorry. Is this okay?
Statler: Now little more.
Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
Statler: You got a car?
Berle: Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
Waldorf: He can't. He's too busy.
Berle: Doing what?
Waldorf: Keeping people in!
Berle: (to the audience) And you encourage him! Thath's what you're doing! (to Statler and Waldorf) You know, guys? I got good mind to punch you in your nose.
Waldorf: Please not while I'm holding it.
Berle: That's very funny.
Waldorf: Ah, you can use it.
Berle: I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Statler: How come they never reach your mouth?
Berle: Gentleman! Will you please take it easy? You think I'm doing this for fun?
Statler: Not so far!
Berle: Oh, I see. You think you could do better?
Statler: I couldn't do worse.
Berle: Allright.
Waldorf: We should.
Berle: Oh, yeah? You sing?
Statler: No.
Berle: You dance?
Statler: No.
Berle: Can you get laughs?
Statler: No
Berle: Then what would you do?
Waldorf: Just what your doing.
Berle: Okay, that's it! That's it! I'm going to call the police!
Statler: Good idea, you need all the protection you can get.

Statler: Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
Statler: The seats face the stage!

Statler: So, what did you think?
(Chef and chicken chase continues)
Waldorf: I hate running gags!

Statler: We're look like members of the rock age!
Waldorf: We're look more like members of the Stone Age! (Both laughed)

Statler: Well, did you like the show?
Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: No, not so loud: they may hear you!

Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on.

Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
[Statler's cigar explodes.]
Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.

Waldorf: Yeah, whadya think?
Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf: Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
Statler: It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show.

Waldorf: Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

Zero: I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!