Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.

Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!

Dr Bob: This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, Ok where were we? Pulse?
Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse] (gasps) No pulse Dr Bob
Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat Dr Bob
Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten
Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten
Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr Bob
Dr Bob: At least he wont say anything, hahaha!
Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

Floyd: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
Kermit: Oh, good!
Floyd: If...
Kermit: Uh-huh? If what?
Floyd: If I can write the new theme song.
Kermit: Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
Floyd: No, it won't, man.
Kermit: Uh, why not?
Floyd: You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
Kermit: Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
Floyd: Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
Kermit: You don't?
Floyd: If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie: That was my wife!

Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs benedict is a Mafia gangster!
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!

Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
Kermit: You pay him by the line?
Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.

Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.

Gonzo: Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams! Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard, HAI-YA!
Season 2 (1978-1979)

Harvey Korman [as Maurice the Magnificent]: Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.

Janice: That man is annoying me.
Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
Janice: That's what's annoying me.

Kermit: [after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs"] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT!

Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.