The Big Bang Theory quotes
236 total quotesSheldon: [after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
Leonard: There you go.
Leonard: Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
Leonard: There you go.
Sheldon: [after Leonard refuses to check a message from Stuart, assuming it's about Penny] You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: [pause] At times.
Sheldon: [after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Sheldon: [Carrying a tray of beakers] Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
Sheldon: [frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that [one].
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: [shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!
Howard: Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that [one].
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: [shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!
Sheldon: [frustrated with everyone about his mother not doing what he wants, after they volunteer to take her to go around Hollywood] What do I say? I say you need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with your [Leonard's] sushi, your [Raj's] sadness, and your [Penny's] slutty shirts. Stop it! [leaves to go to his room]
Howard: [to Raj] He's talking about her shirt. Your shirt is fine!
Howard: [to Raj] He's talking about her shirt. Your shirt is fine!
Sheldon: [in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
Howard: DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon: [getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
Howard: DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
Sheldon: [getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!
Sheldon: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard!
Leonard: What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You��are not in this relationship. I��am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!
Leonard: What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?
Leonard: It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.
Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You��are not in this relationship. I��am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!
Sheldon: [looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Leonard: Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".
Sheldon: [unsettled] Well��s'pose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.
[He starts to walk to his bedroom]
Sheldon: [very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopyheads, anyway! [leaves]
Howard: [short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Leonard: Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".
Sheldon: [unsettled] Well��s'pose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.
[He starts to walk to his bedroom]
Sheldon: [very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopyheads, anyway! [leaves]
Howard: [short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Sheldon: [playing Bavarian music while dressed in lederhosen; alongside Amy, who is in a pretzel costume. Speaking directly to the camera] Guten tag, das Youtube! Ich bein ein Bavarian.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Und ich bein ein a pretzel.
Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun-
Amy: -With-
Sheldon: -Flags.
{Leonard slowly closes the door shut, walking away]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Und ich bein ein a pretzel.
Sheldon: Und dis is Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun-
Amy: -With-
Sheldon: -Flags.
{Leonard slowly closes the door shut, walking away]
Sheldon: [reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.
Sheldon: [trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!
Raj: Oh, snap.
Sheldon: Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
Raj: What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon: There are boundaries!
Sheldon: According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh- Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
Sheldon: [Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourettes.
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right, and how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: [writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to 'yes'.
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: Oh- Next question!
Sheldon: I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.
Penny: Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?
Sheldon: [Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourettes.
Sheldon: Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.