Raj: Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was school, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
Kripke: Yeah, nice speech Francine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
Raj: I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Howard: Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
Raj: Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Howard: Don't remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]
Howard: Please, shut up.
Raj: Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Wil Wheaton: Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
Sheldon: [Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]

Raj: Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard: They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling): Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard: Not yet.
Raj: Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard: You just got him this afternoon.
Raj: Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard: A lackey?
Raj: Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon: Now?
Leonard: Almost.
Raj: Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard: Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj: Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)

Raj: Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
Howard: [deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
Leonard: [playing along] Aaah�� No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon: [desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Raj: Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard: [smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon: [very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: [continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!

Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard: [To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on do how vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!
Raj: Yeah, OK, so zombies?
Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
Howard: You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

Raj: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point. I'm in!

Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette: They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Raj: Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills�� my heart�� it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: I didn't say it.
Amy: That's enough from the both of you!
Penny: Well, he started it.
Amy: Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP.
Howard: From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Ministers: By the power invested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon: ..and the Klingon High Council...
Ministers: ..we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Raj: Okay, let's check out the females.
Sheldon: Alright, there's a female.
Raj: That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!
Sheldon: But she's female, isn't that the game?
Raj: No, I'm looking for a hookup.
Sheldon: Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.
Raj Not so loud, but ideally yes.
Sheldon: And what is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Alright, and what is your game?
Raj: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]
Abby: Hey that's pretty cool, what is it?
Sheldon: It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.
Abby: [laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.
Sheldon: I'm Sheldon.
Raj: How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.
Abby: Hey Raj, where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious, sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh, India.
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]
Abby: Hey Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.
Martha: Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?
Sheldon: In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]
Martha: Oh, that is so awesome.
Sheldon: Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?

Raj: We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.
Howard: Some of those skinless chicks were hot.
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.
Howard: That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
Leonard: It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.
Raj: What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?
Raj: Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ��T' in often?
Leonard: No.
Howard: Did you make fun of trains?
Leonard: I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.
Howard: Well, we all knew this day was coming.
[Sheldon reappears with his bag packed]
Leonard: That was fast.
Sheldon: It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.

Raj: We now have the address of the [America's Next] Top Model house.
Howard: God bless you, Google Street View--registered trademark.
Leonard: Okay, for the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's creepy to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: Slow down, Sheldon. I'm not quite there yet.

Sheldon: 15 years old--Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to--you know--that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Sheldon: [about his appearance on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.

Sheldon: [about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Beverly: Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon: Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Beverly: Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard: Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon: The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard: Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
Beverly: I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon: Awwww��

Sheldon: [about Stephen Hawking] He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Hang on, I know. He's the wheelchair-dude who invented time.
Sheldon: Close enough.