Christian: I'd prefer a blond that can suck the yellow off a canary than brunettes with tight asses.

Christian: I'll have you arrested for statutory rape.
Ava: Matt's 17. By Florida laws he is a consenting adult.
Christian: You certainly know your rape laws.
Ava: For someone who according to Matt has had his share of teenage girls, you are stupid if you don't.

Christian: I'm a jackrabbit. I don't do slow and steady. I've paid my dues and I want some overnight success.

Christian: I'm a widely successful plastic surgeon with great hair, pro-white teeth and a 33-inch waist. I'm a goddamn superhero and I'm going to put that cape back on, fly back into every singles bar in town and bang myself silly.

Christian: I'm doing this after hours because I don't want Michelle to know. You deal with me now.
James: You're not going to tell her the sacrifices you're making on her behalf? And they say chivalry is dead.

Christian: [about her rejuvenated hands] How do they feel?
James: Clean. Untouched by time. If only you could do the same with my heart.

Christian: I'm taking Carly to the Ivy.
Sean: [referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?
Christian: No, but you're not doing anything. Come on, it's business.
Sean: I thought you turned down her surgery.
Christian: I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We're not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?
Sean: How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I'll do the convincing.
Christian: Because I'm the charismatic salesman and you're the talent. That's the way it's always been.
Sean: That's exactly why I left Miami.

Christian: I'm way past shooting for sainthood, sweetheart. God gave me a dick and I intend to glorify him by playing that organ as intensely and as often as possible.

Christian: I've been wanting to talk to you since Faith's office. I lied about what happened in there.
Sean: I knew you didn't screw her over the desk!
Christian: No, that part's true. I mean about... What she said about the dream. About me having feelings for you. (pause) Not those kind of feelings. I never really thought I was gay. It was Faith who tried to convince me of that. I just think I have intimacy issues, y'know, with anybody in my life that...I love. I get confused and it's really hard for me to express myself. (pause) That sounded really gay, didn't it?
Sean: Yeah.
Christian: Yeah, well, screw you! Screw you! (there is a little joking play fighting between the men) Seriously, I love you.
Sean: I know. I love you too.

Christian: I've lost my faith, Father. I've drank, I've done drugs, I've fornicated with women and discarded them like trash. I've lost my soul. The boys you raped will be saying the same thing in 20 years.

Christian: If I didn't fight back, it's because in some kind of way I feel like I deserve it.
Sean: For what?
Christian: For what? For screwing Julia when you were engaged, for cheating on every girlfriend I've ever had, for charging ten grand to raise a pair of sagging tits on some socialite bitch, for generally being a soulless man. Take your pick.

Christian: If I'm going to do this one woman thing, it can't be with just one woman.

Christian: Is this surgery or open mic night at the lesbian coffee bar?

Christian: Julia called yesterday and said she's moving in with someone.
Sean: Well that's great. She's seeing someone, I'm seeing someone.
Christian: Since when you're seeing someone?!
Sean: I'm having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.
Christian: Well there's a bit of a difference here. You're not moving in with your current piece of ass!
Sean: Yet!

Christian: Julia moved to Lesbania.
Liz: Julia is just a tourist.

Christian: Just because I groom, doesn't mean I've gone brokeback.