Sean: I'm afraid ‘pro-bono' is out of the question for this type of operation. That's usually reserved for people who have suffered accidents or birth defects.
Sophia: Being one gender on the inside and another on the outside is a birth defect.

Sean: I'm gonna get a vasectomy. Julia doesn't want to have any more kids and I can't handle another mistake.
Christian: That's the most bullshit cure for depression I ever heard. If you want to shoot blanks, Sean, don't get snipped. Do what I do. Take a bath.
Sean: What?
Christian: For every date, I sit in a 116 degree bath. Excessive testicular heat shuts down spermatogenosis. Teabag your testicles in a hot tub and I swear you'll be sterile and squeaky clean.

Sean: It's been 2 months without even a botox shot, Christian. So far, the only thing I have to show for opening a new practice in Los Angeles is a better hook shot.
Christian: I wouldn't go that far. Look, we both knew it wasn't gonna be easy, right? But it's not like we can start up in a strip mall, hand out fliers hoping people will come through the door.
Sean: Worked the first time we started a business together.
Christian: At 25,baby! At 40, you gotta go all out. We owned Miami, right?
Sean: Yeah.
Christian: Right? So sooner or later, we're gonna make this town our bitch, too.

Sean: It's not the past I'm worried about, Christian, it's your future. Liars don't just pick a day to stop lying. And if you lay down with dogs, you're gonna wake up with fleas.

Sean: Jesus, does anyone in this town not have plastic surgery?
Christian: I feel like I'm trying to sell semen at a whorehouse.
Sean and Christian watching an episode of "Hearts N'Scalpels" together.

Sean: Just say it; you're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you. That I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.
[Christian laughs]
Sean: It's not funny.
Christian: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. I mean, it is funny. After all these years, Julia was the reason for our 'who's got the biggest dick contest'. Now we find out, she doesn't even like 'em.

Sean: Just what you always wanted, right? No ethical restraints and a shitload of money.
Christian: You left out sexual depravity and devil worship.

Sean: Look at us. Mutilating our bodies, selling out to some hack TV show. We're good surgeons. Why live in a place which doesn't appreciate us, you know? Maybe we should have moved somewhere where substance reigns over style. Like New York.
Christian: Julia's gone. Living a couple of subway stops away ain't gonna change that.

Sean: My god, when was the last time we went to bed and you didn't hate me?

Sean: My guess it's phantom pain.
Christian: Who do I see for phantom pain, Ghostbusters?

Sean: Since Julia and I split up, have you and she ever talked about giving it a try?
Christian: I don't think we've both ever been single at the same time.
Sean: That's not an answer.
Christian: I don't harbour any feelings for her if that's what you're asking. I wouldn't do that to you. Again.

Sean: So I have your ineptitude to thank?
Christian: No, you have my 10-inch dick to thank. Surgery is the one place where you're more of a man than I am. And you need to be better because somewhere in your twisted brian, you think that's what keeps Julia. So you work hard and you focus. And for all your bullshit about carrying me, you've never been able to leave. You can't do this without me.

Sean: Sounds like living the dream has its price.
Bob Easton: Of course it does. Eat your young on a regular basis, what do you expect? All day long, I'm the one with the control, the power. Once a week, Mistress Dark Pain takes it all away from me. Sometimes twice a week during Oscar season. Every bite somehow restores the balance. Keeps me real, you know?

Sean: Tell me what you don't like about yourself. [Silence] If I'm going to work on your nose, Christian, I'd like to follow the same procedure we do for all our patients.
Christian: We're not here to talk about my nose, Sean. We're here to talk about what just happened in surgery.
Sean: Nothing happened. There was a minor mishap.
Christian: You call that river of blood minor?
Sean: Unger bucked from a bad anesthesia reaction. It's happened before.
Christian:Your hand palsied again, Sean.
Sean: No, it didn't.
Christian: Bullshit. Whatever this problem is, it's getting worse.
Sean: It's not getting worse.
Christian: So there is a problem.

Sean: Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
Christian: Just start at your head and work your way down.
Liz: I just want a little lipo and maybe some work around the eyes.
Christian: Oh yeah, that ought to do it.
Liz: Shut up, Christian.