Mr. Show quotes

217 total quotes



All Seasons
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Great great great grandfather Applesway (Paul F. Tompkins): Look! LOOK!!! An entire wall of nothing but hardcore gay anal sex. If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, then you're the one who's inhuman!

Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob): Goats are stupid, mean, and hardheaded animals. That's why they're called "Nature's President".

Greg Sniper's accountant (Bob): He spent a hundred million dollars on a campaign to legalize tomatoes, which I assume worked, because I had a tomato yesterday, and I'm not in jail, am I?

Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): Fuck, this little motherfucker's tasty!!

Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): This cocksucker dragged me down here, I dunno.

Guy in Tech Corp commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (Jay Johnston): Fuckity fuck-fuck!!!

Hallucino-Jenny (unknown): I can taste colors!

Harmon Peterson (Bob): I don't know! Maybe this tree knows! Tree, excuse me, can you predict the future for me? No? Can I check back with you every two minutes for sixteen days? Great! Thanks!! Look - when I say there's no new information, that means there's NO NEW INFORMATION! I'm not trying to hide anything on ya, OK?!

Helpful guy in Druggachussetts (John Ennis): And remember, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!

Hitler (David): Get used to it, Hitler.

Honeymooner (Bob): Tri-cycles would be bi-cycles. Who's ever heard of a bi-cycle?

Horace Loeb (David): I'll miss you... me.

Hypnotherapist (Becky Thyre): What are you doing in the cemetery, Charles?
Charles ______ (David): I just wanna dig up a corpse and have sexual relations with it!

Incompetent kidnapper (Bob): One...thousand dollars if you ever want to see my toe again.

Jack Weber (Bob): Here's a simple test to see if your child is really a costumed dwarf: hit him in the head with a hammer.