Abraham Lincoln (Tom Kenny): Lunacy! How will we ever get it down?

Benjamin Franklin (David): Gentlemen, who would shit on a flag made out of shit? It would be an empty gesture.

Bob: David attended public schools, so he confuses Hitler with Anne Frank.

Commercial "viewer" (David): Thousands? Clock?

David: Bob missed his first day of school, and he never really caught up, so he thinks there are only 5 states...and that one of them is named Chim-Cham.

David: Dear Globochem, someone is trying to kill me!!! Please send me as many free products as possible. Love, David Cross.

Deranged indie film director (David): Look, its right here in the program: stage protest right before fancy pants.

Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome (Bob): Many famous people have had imminent death syndrome...well, Juliette Lewis, the actress has it. The artist Leroy Neiman, and uh Christo. Jerry Lewis struggles with it everyday. These people are all very good at what they do...the best ever. Novelist Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, uh...Stephen Hawking - "brilliant man." Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and two of the blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws the Family Circus, many famous cartoonists.
Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome, while answering phone (Bob): Free horsey rides...I mean doctor's office!

Droopy (Bob): No, you can't bring a class of school children here. This is a museum, not a babysitting place.
Season 2 (Nov. - Dec. 1996)

Father Mike (Bob): I was born... out of Satan's ass.

Father Mike (Bob): When I ask for a glass of water and someone hands me a glass full of sand, I turn it over, make a sand castle, and pretend I'm king. When someone throws a stone at my head, I pretend the bruise is a faded tattoo, and that I was once a sailor who ran a sweat shop in Singapore. I'm not too proud of that time in my imaginary life, but I'm comforted by the fact that my friends, who made me stick a banana in my crack, feel even worse.

Gary, the asshole party-crasher (David): You fuckers are gonna believe it now.

Globo-Chem executive (John Ennis): My great great great grandfather started this company with one single rickety leaky hand-crafted slave ship, and a simple motto: "People Selling People to People".

Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): Fuck, this little motherfucker's tasty!!

Guy in Ding Dong Burgers commercial during Pit-Pat sketch (David): This cocksucker dragged me down here, I dunno.