David: I, David Cross ... me, not the character ... am bald.
Jill: I accept you David, but I don't accept the choice you've made.
David: It's not a choice, Jill, God made me this way.
Jill: Then I reject God.

David: Perhaps I might have picked something up when I was in London a few whiffens past.

David: Terra-da-loo, The Bob. Mr. Show is the true way.

Del Crow (Bob): Already our little one's got a scholarship to Miss Lily's Finishing School.
Interviewer: What's that?
Del Crow (Bob): It's a - a school where they teach ya - how to finish.

Delongpre Dannon's talkshow guest (David): Fake girl, you oughta be able to have your imaginary baby, because the most wonderful thing in the world is to be an imaginary mother.

Denny Whitkin, performing "The Audition" (David): Can I use this chair?

Deranged indie film director (David): Look, its right here in the program: stage protest right before fancy pants.

Derlin Whittier, talk show guest (David): Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish.

Dingle, the ventriloquism dummy (David): Why don't you suck my eight inches of redwood?

Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome (Bob): Many famous people have had imminent death syndrome...well, Juliette Lewis, the actress has it. The artist Leroy Neiman, and uh Christo. Jerry Lewis struggles with it everyday. These people are all very good at what they do...the best ever. Novelist Anne Rice, Clarence Thomas, uh...Stephen Hawking - "brilliant man." Quentin Tarantino (the actor, not the director), Hootie and two of the blowfish, the man who draws Ziggy, the man who draws the Family Circus, many famous cartoonists.
Doctor speaking about imminent death syndrome, while answering phone (Bob): Free horsey rides...I mean doctor's office!

Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob): A rap, rap, a rap rap rap. A rap, rap, a rap tap tap. Get rappin' with it. Heyyyyy. Get rappin' with it. Hohhhh!
Professor Murder (Sam Sarpong): Damn, his science is too tight!

Dougie Bendel, Dalai Lama (Bob): William van Landingham?!
William van Landingham III (Jerry Messing): The Third, my dear boy!

Dr. Ken Schwartz of "No Adults Allowed" (Bob): I tell ya, this generation is worse than the hippies, the flappers, and the Nazis combined...at least the hippies gave us those fat watchbands, and the flappers could dance, and the Nazis had that song "Eight Days a Week".

Dr. X (Bob): I have blown up Chicago.

Dr. ______ (Bob): So if you want to talk to gamblers...and masturbators...