Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get it...at all.

Frank: I'm startin' to feel it.
Charlie: I bet you are, bud.
Frank: I'm feelin' weird.
Charlie: Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.
Frank: The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.
Charlie: That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.
Frank: I gotta go.
Charlie: Then go.
Frank: The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.
Charlie: Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.
Frank: I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.
Charlie: Oh my God.
Frank: I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?
Charlie: Annoyed.
Frank: Nothin' kickin' in yet?
Charlie: What are you talking about, the beer?
Frank: No, the acid.
Charlie: I did not take any acid, remember?
Frank: [laughing] Oh yeah you did.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Frank: I put a shitload of it in your beer.
Charlie: What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!
Frank: Yeah.
Charlie: I drank all that shit, dude!
Frank: That's OK.
Charlie: There was like a ton of acid in there!
Frank: Yeah!
Charlie: Why would you do that?!
Frank: I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.
Charlie: Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...
Frank: Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.
Charlie: Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!
Frank: [walks away]
Charlie: Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you d..!? Oh shit! Oh shit!

Frank: Masturbating Bums are bad for Business.

Frank: Now, it's all good up to right here--
(A cardboard box comes flying out of the well, followed by Dee. The gang throws up their hands in disgust.)

Frank: Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rickety Cricket: Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Mac: Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
Rickety Cricket: Thanks I'm almost done!
Charlie & Dee: Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
Frank: How you guys doin?
Charlie & Dee: Oh were doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out we got all the cocaine.
Mac: Well ok but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.dd> Dee: Oooh I tell you what I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Charlie: Whoa where'd you get a gun?
Dee: Ooh went back to Bingo.
Charlie: Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Mac: Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
Dee: I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
Frank: And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!
[Noises from Charlie, Dee and Frank]

Frank: People love well stories!
Dee: Really?
Frank: Yeah!
Dee: I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?
Mac: Kittens do!
Dee: Kittens? You put those kitties down there?
Mac: Well...
Dee (annoyed): Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!
Frank: Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?
Mac: It's filled with water. Save the kittens!
Dee: I'm going! (She gets into the well)
Mac: Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Gimme the matches.
Mac (handing Frank the matchbox): Yep...
(Cut to the video of the rescue. Frank walks slowly to the well.)

Frank: This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.
Dee: Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?
Frank: Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

In a note Charlie left: Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.

Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
Dennis: That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Dee: No, just get to the reading part.
Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go.
Lawyer: All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank: Yo!
Lawyer: OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Dennis: What?!
Dee: What?!
Frank: Bruce Mathis?!
Lawyer: [reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Dee: Why are you giving it to him?!
Lawyer: I'm not--
Dee: She barely even knew him!
Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Frank: Where is that rat bastard?!
Lawyer: Sir, I don't know!
Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Dennis: Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
Lawyer: "...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
Dennis: I would never let him in.
Frank: What?!
Lawyer: Deandra?
Dee: Yes.
Lawyer: "You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
Dee: A mistake? We're twins.
Lawyer: Yeah...
Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank: You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
Lawyer: You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ.

Li'l Kev: Later, biatch!

Liam: Start breaking bricks wet nips!

Lil' Kev: [rapping] Let me tell y'all a story bout a girl I knew,
A broke-ass bitch with a gay-ass crew.
She said that I was cute, she said that I was funny,
But the honey couldn't stop lookin' at my money,
Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass,
Body like a skeleton in science class,
Face beat up by the School of Hard Knocks,
Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox,
Its like she's skinny, fat in all the wrong places,
Mothers gotta cover they babies faces,
When she walks by people think she's Godzilla,
Straight outa Compton y'all, naw, straight outa Thrilla,
Lookin' like a zombie, walkin' like a chicken,
Mouth full of shit, that's why her breath be stinkin',
Just one question Dee, before you take your bow:
"This gravy train's leavin, so who's retarded now?"

Mac and Dennis: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Frank: Lizard, am I standing in poop?

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.