Mac: What's up bitches?
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

Mac: (To his pre-op transsexual girlfriend) It's not that I'm ashamed of you, it's that I'm ashamed of myself.

Mac: Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--
Dee: Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.

Mac: Great. Walk me through the plan again.
Dennis: Awesome.
Dennis: The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
Mac: That's a great plan.
Charlie (as Green Man): Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?
Dennis: Like, two seconds.
Charlie: Seriously?
Dennis: Frank, give me the gun.
Frank: Where is it?
Dennis: It's in your hand!
Charlie: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?
Dennis: I don't know!
Frank: That lizard talks!
Charlie: Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
Mac: We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!
(Frank cocks the gun and points it at Mac and Dennis)

Mac: She throws the kittens in every take!
Charlie: Aw, man, she loves to ruin, and ruin, and ruin, and ruin!

Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!

Mac: The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!
Charlie: Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?
Mac: And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.
Charlie: Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.
Mac: Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands
Charlie: Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.
(The gang is watching the video of the burning factory. Dee's screams can be heard from the TV. Dee herself comes into the room, smudged and pissed.)

Mac: We are not gonna come out blasting, Jesus Christ what is wrong with you people?! Look we can still get out of this if we just calm doowwwwn!
[Mafia walks in]

Mac: What the hell are you doing here, dude?
Dennis: I'm working, what're you doing?
Mac: You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
Dennis: No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac (incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Dennis: Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac (does a double-take): What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
Mac: No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
Frank: What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Mac: Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Frank: GO!
Mac (grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!
Frank (hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac (hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Frank: GET UP THERE!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac': STAY!
Frank: RIGHT!
Mac: YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
Frank: NOW!
Dennis: STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!
Frank (nervous): You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!
Frannie (from the top of the stairs): What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!
Dennis (after a few seconds): No.
Frannie: Get your ass back in the bedroom.
Dennis (stronger): I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)
Frannie: And what about you, Pussy Hands?
Mac (taken aback): Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.

Mac: You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!
Charlie: Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?
Mac: Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!
Charlie: Since when?
Mac: You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!
Dennis: Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!
Charlie: Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--
Mac: Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!
Charlie: What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?
Dennis: Dude, you hosed yourself down!
Mac: You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!
Charlie: C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?
Mac: I don't care!
Dennis: Yeah, get a job!
Charlie: Oh, get a job?
Mac: Yeah!
Charlie: Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Mafia Member: Oh! These guys!
Gang: Oh! Aay!
Don: Alright, it's Friday. Where's my money?
Frank: Does anybody got a light?
[Gang pulls out guns]

Rickety Cricket (singing while pounding on his "drums"): They broke my legs, but they didn't break my spirit! And I can't feel the pain 'cause I found more cocaine! Co-CAINE! (Peter Nincompoop gallops down the street behind him)

Rickety Cricket: Watch out for the crack heads. They WILL cut you.

Rickety Cricket: You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.

Sweet Dee: Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!
Dennis: She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Sweet Dee: Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis (ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Dee: Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Dennis: Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!