Charlie: What if he can smell crime??
Mac: ...what if he smells crime?
Charlie: Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
Mac: Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
Charlie: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
Mac: (Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....

Charlie: . Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...
Charlie: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.

Charlie: ...Did you sex my mom?
Santa: Uhh..
Charlie: Did you sex my mom, Santa Claus?
Mac: Charlie what the hell?
Season 6

Charlie: [trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.

Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.
Dennis: No, but it's not illegal.

Charlie: But if I'm being honest my problem is less with the fact he is drinking and more that he is doing it without me. And then I start thinking, what's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?
Dennis: Oh, no, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with. Trust me Charlie, you really get drunk and then you get reckless. Its a lot of fun.

Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you're talking my language. I know this game.

Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.

Charlie: Guess who just found some investors for kitten mittens?
Dee: I told you, people love stupid shit!
Charlie: Why do you keep calling it stupid, though?
Dee: It's really stupid. But people are stupid too, so...

Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there's no answer? You're so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats��. I couldn't hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn't matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You'll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy's Pub. We're the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

Charlie: Hyah! Hyah! Get out of here snail! Hyah! Go snail! Go! Hyah!

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened
[shows gang history book]

Charlie: I never thought I'd ever say this in my life, but it's weird sleeping without a cat in my bed

Charlie: I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.