Charlie: No I put the bar under the pride section.
Dee: No you put the bar under the prize section

Charlie: [singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie: Hello, come right in!
Dennis: I will.
Charlie: What happened to your band?
Dennis: Kicked me out.
Charlie: [laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie: No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Dennis: I never know, man.

Charlie: [singing] Day...Day Man...Fighter of the...Night Man...Champion of the..
Dennis: [also singing] ...Sun!
Charlie: You're the master of karate...
Dennis: And friendship! For everyone.
Charlie: Day Man...
Dennis: Oooh-ahhhhhh!
Charlie: Fighter of the Night Man...
Dennis: Oooh-ahhhhhh!
Charlie and Dennis: [together] Champion of the sun...oooh-ahhhhhh. You're the master of karate and friendship to everyone...

Charlie: Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.

Charlie: Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
Mac: No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Charlie: Ohhh, dude....
Mac (panicked): That doesn't sound good!
Charlie: No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
Mac: --I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie (leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Mac: Charlie.
Charlie: Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)

Charlie: I love you Peter Nincompoop! I miss you...already!

Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
Charlie: How are you going to be wood?

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no shit.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!
(beat)

Charlie: Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.
Mac: Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.
Dennis: Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.
Charlie: Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.
Mac: You're tripping?
Charlie: Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.
Mac: Oh, Jesus.
Liam: Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?
Ryan: Yeah, we're going to be famous.
Dennis: Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.
Mac: Yeah, just go over there.
Dennis: Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.
Charlie: Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.
Mac: Frank, What the hell are you doing?
Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank: Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?
Dennis: What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)
Frank: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!
Artemis: I think he took a dump in there.
Mac: Can you give us a second, please?
Artemis: Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
Dennis: All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?
(Frank whips his gun out)

Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee: No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis: I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."
Charlie: Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis: You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.

Charlie: OK, all right, I'm ready to rock.
Mac: And who are you supposed to be?
Charlie: Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Mac: Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
Charlie: No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Mac : Whatever, let's just rock.
Frank: Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Charlie: All right, where's my curtain?
Mac: Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
Charlie: I want a curtain blocking my face.
Mac: You don't need one.
Frank: [to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Charlie: All right, ready.
Frank: 5, 6, 7, 8!
Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man. (At first, Mac and Frank appear to be cool with Charlie's lyrics, but when he starts in with the second part, they both stop playing and look at Charlie as if to say, "What the hell is this shit?")
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
Charlie: It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
Mac: We need a new front man...

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Charlie: Well how 'bout this, first I have to deal with this problem with the mob, you know how that is.
Buster: Oh sure.
Charlie: So once I'm done with that, I'm coming back for that horse, because I feel like we had a connection.
Buster: Ohh thats what I like to hear, you and that horse together it's perfect so come on you old son-of-a-gun and hey, while your at it let Buster do a line off your boner!
Charlie: Wwwwwhhhhoooo...[Gets up and walks away]