Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.

Artemis: Im gonna take my bra off, blast my nips.

Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.

Billboard contestant: So, there's no pay?
Mac: I just told you what the pay was!
Frank: He told you what the goddamn pay was!

Black Student: Bout to bust that shit up Reece, Bout to bust that shit up Boy!
Mac: Absolutely.
[Students stare at Mac]

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies
Sweet Dee: What did you just say you little bitch!

Charlie: [Drunk and slurring] Sooo I thought we could celebrate, with some pizza! And soome beer! Ohhh, that's right! I ate all the pizza, and I drank all the beer.

Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing?...Hey guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up!

Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.

Charlie: No I put the bar under the pride section.
Dee: No you put the bar under the prize section

Charlie: What if he can smell crime??
Mac: ...what if he smells crime?
Charlie: Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
Mac: Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
Charlie: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
Mac: (Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....

Charlie (eating spaghetti out of a zip-loc bag): What's your spaghetti policy?

Charlie (disgusted): NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Dennis: A couple of homeless guys banging each other!
Charlie: I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!

Charlie You got that script that I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie No, no, no, please read it.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro.
Charlie Just read the script once.
Dennis: Okay you want me to read the script?
Charlie Yes. And action.
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!

Charlie: "Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."
Mac: "Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."
Dennis:" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"
Mac: "Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."