Charlie: (Concerned) What the hell happened down there; some kind of horse massacre?

Charlie: (singing) I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I'm a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I'm here to ask for your hand, so if you are too merry m'am will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!

Charlie: . Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...
Charlie: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.

Charlie: ...Did you sex my mom?
Santa: Uhh..
Charlie: Did you sex my mom, Santa Claus?
Mac: Charlie what the hell?
Season 6

Charlie: [about the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition] That show is basically about how awesome Sears is!

Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.

Charlie: [singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie: Hello, come right in!
Dennis: I will.
Charlie: What happened to your band?
Dennis: Kicked me out.
Charlie: [laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie: No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Dennis: I never know, man.

Charlie: [singing] Day...Day Man...Fighter of the...Night Man...Champion of the..
Dennis: [also singing] ...Sun!
Charlie: You're the master of karate...
Dennis: And friendship! For everyone.
Charlie: Day Man...
Dennis: Oooh-ahhhhhh!
Charlie: Fighter of the Night Man...
Dennis: Oooh-ahhhhhh!
Charlie and Dennis: [together] Champion of the sun...oooh-ahhhhhh. You're the master of karate and friendship to everyone...

Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Charlie: [trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.

Charlie: [under breath] Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shiiit.

Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.
Dennis: No, but it's not illegal.

Charlie: Are you wearing makeup?
Dennis: I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.

Charlie: �The other day we were hanging out under the bridge, we found a box of denim, and I'm like "these look like good jeans in here," and (Frank)'s like "Wanna split them with me 50/50?" That's a nice thing to do.��