Mac: I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Mac: The stem and then the, and the core?!
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross.
Mac: Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude!
Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...

Mac: I'm saying I did an ocular assessment of the situation garnered that he was not a security risk and I cleared him for passage.

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Mac: Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.
Dennis: Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.
Mac: Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.
Charlie: Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.
Mac: You should be writing this down.
Dennis: Why are you not writing this down?
Boat Salesman: Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.
Charlie: You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Mac: Mom was a manager of Jiffy Lube for many years.
Charle: I never heard about this.
Mac: Well, she doesn't like to brag. She started her way at the bottom and worked her way to the tippidy top.
Charlie: There's only three people at Jiffy Lube so it's not exactly a high climb.

Mac: Oh my god, salt the snail! Salt the snail! Go!

Mac: Oh Oh Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of the sudden. Marriage is about procreation okay. This is gay marriage! That's two dudes bangin each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin! Nothin!

Mac: Okay, Frank, here's another idea..
Frank: Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?
Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Frank: Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...
Mac: How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.

Mac: Parenting is pretending you know what you're talking about, then jamming it down their throat!
Season 7

Mac: She throws the kittens in every take!
Charlie: Aw, man, she loves to ruin, and ruin, and ruin, and ruin!

Mac: Stride, stride, execute!

Mac: That bitch is dead.

Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!

Mac: The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!
Charlie: Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?
Mac: And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.
Charlie: Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.
Mac: Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands
Charlie: Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.
(The gang is watching the video of the burning factory. Dee's screams can be heard from the TV. Dee herself comes into the room, smudged and pissed.)