Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!

Mac: Two guns! Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

Mac: We are not gonna come out blasting, Jesus Christ what is wrong with you people?! Look we can still get out of this if we just calm doowwwwn!
[Mafia walks in]

Mac: We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, and the ones we've had we've squandered.
Charlie: We've squandered them all.

Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!
Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.
(Frank has just been informed by his ex-wife Barbara that he is not Dennis and Sweet Dee's father.)

Mac: What the hell are you doing here, dude?
Dennis: I'm working, what're you doing?
Mac: You can not seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
Dennis: No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac (incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Dennis: Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac (does a double-take): What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
Mac: No, Frank, he can not bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
Frank: What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's banging a whore? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Mac: Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Frank: GO!
Mac (grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!
Frank (hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac (hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Frank: GET UP THERE!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac': STAY!
Frank: RIGHT!
Mac: YOU'RE GONNA GET US KILLED!
Frank: NOW!
Dennis: STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!
Frank (nervous): You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!
Frannie (from the top of the stairs): What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!
Dennis (after a few seconds): No.
Frannie: Get your ass back in the bedroom.
Dennis (stronger): I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)
Frannie: And what about you, Pussy Hands?
Mac (taken aback): Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.

Mac: Where's our bible?
Dee: Seriously..
Mac: Where is our God damn bible?!
Frank: This is a bar!

Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!
Frank: This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!
Frank: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.
Mac: Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?

Mac: Why are you jamming me up, bro?
Gym Manager: I'm not trying to jam you up, I just don't believe you.
Mac: What is not to believe? I'm absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
Gym Manager: This picture looks nothing like you.
Mac: Well, thank you, cause I've actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It's actually a testament to your gym.

Mac: You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!
Charlie: Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?
Mac: Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!
Charlie: Since when?
Mac: You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!
Dennis: Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!
Charlie: Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--
Mac: Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!
Charlie: What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?
Dennis: Dude, you hosed yourself down!
Mac: You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!
Charlie: C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?
Mac: I don't care!
Dennis: Yeah, get a job!
Charlie: Oh, get a job?
Mac: Yeah!
Charlie: Just get a job? Why don't I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Mac: Your body quit, your bird quit, and unfortunately it's no longer legit.

Mac: [To Dennis handing him a photo] : Dude, Your Grandpa's a Nazi!

Mac:Charlie look, I normally wouldn't come to you with this sort of thing because you're incredibly unreliable... but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly connected to this. Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!

Mafia Member: Oh! These guys!
Gang: Oh! Aay!
Don: Alright, it's Friday. Where's my money?
Frank: Does anybody got a light?
[Gang pulls out guns]

Mrs. Mac: They ain't American, I don't want to know them.
Mrs. Kelly: I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.
Mac: It does seem like they're bonding.
Charlie: It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.