It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia quotes

334 total quotes



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Nick: So what you're sayin' is you gonna whup my black ass with a rod, and as long as I get up in a few days, we all good?

Parole Guy: You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.
Mac: Uh, that is correct.
Parole Guy: Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
Parole Guy: Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
Charlie: That is also correct.

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

Radio host: "Reggie Leech" is... the correct answer!
Charlie: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Radio host: Please don't curse.
Mac: You can't censor me bro, I'm kind of a bad ass.

Rickety Cricket (singing while pounding on his "drums"): They broke my legs, but they didn't break my spirit! And I can't feel the pain 'cause I found more cocaine! Co-CAINE! (Peter Nincompoop gallops down the street behind him)

Rickety Cricket: Watch out for the crack heads. They WILL cut you.

Rickety Cricket: You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.

Rob: [gets in Dennis' face] Watch your ass new meat!

Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back ,man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test...come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!

Spin Class Instructor: Ma'am if you just had a heart attack maybe you shouldn't be working out.
Sweet Dee: Well maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch!

Sweet Dee (to Spin Class Instructor): See you, Coach Dick and Balls.

Sweet Dee: Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!
Dennis: She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Sweet Dee: Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis (ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Dee: Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Dennis: Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!

Tabitha: You know I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Dee: What is this? What are you doing?
Dennis: What? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: Yeah.
Dennis: Oh. you put wine in the soda can?
Dee: You didn't know did you?
Dennis: That is good.
Charlie: Ahh, you stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah yeah yeah. Its actually is a pretty good idea.
Charlie: Well its a good idea. I mean the guy has great ideas.
Dee: He is a smart man, that is not what we're here about.

Tanning Employee: You want to put your baby into the tanning bed?
Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes or so.
Dee: Just to get nice base roasting, golden brown or real tan
Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base.