The Gang: [singing] Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle's born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don't you mess with his eggs now, or you'll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. 'Cuz we're birds of war now, but we're also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!
FRANK: It's time to take The Trash Man out of retirement!

The Waitress: I am not leaving here until you apologize to me.
Dennis: Yeah, well, you're going to be here for a while.
Frank: I'll give you fifty bucks if you take your top off... and drink soup out of my shoe.

Uncle Jack: Hey Mac, do you mind snapping a photo of us for the website? Now, and could you just put your hands over my hands, so they look like my hands?

Uncle Jack: Now this guy seems to think you don't have a case...and I'm inclined to agree with him!

Waitress: [drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?
[Just before Charlie can say anything, in comes...]
Schmitty: How you doing, fellas? Having fun?
Charlie: Schmitty, excuse me...
Schmitty: Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.
Waitress: Do you wanna have sex with me?
Schmitty: Yes, I do.
'Waitress: Well, there you go.
Schmitty: See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?
Waitress: I don't know.
Schmitty: We'll use mine, come on.
Charlie: Schmitty.
Mac: Let's go back to the bar.
Dee: Yeah.
Frank: Let's go, Charlie.
Charlie: Schmitty just...
Mac: Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.

Waitress: Dennis!
Dennis: Ooh, hey.
Waitress: [Flirtatiously] Hehe, hi.
Dennis: Ha, so listen, first let me apologize for never calling you back, ever. Second, I was applying here and maybe you could, you know, help me out.
Waitress: Ooh, hehe...well, um, why don't I just go get you an app...
Dennis: ...App...lication and uniform?
Waitress: Hehe, yeah!
Dennis: Ha ha, that's weird that we said that at the same time.
Waitress: Hehe, I know! Well I'll be back and, yeah.
Dennis: All righty.
Waitress: Hehe, um, yeah. Hehe, yeah, bye.
Dennis: Ha ha, bye.[Waitress walks out] What's her name again?
Charlie: I hate you.

Waitress: I wrote down my phone number.
Charlie: Wow!
Waitress: Please... please, Charlie, please don't make me regret giving this to you. (The waitress hands a folded piece of paper to Charlie)
Charlie: No absolu... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor, sponsoree kind of a thing. (He unfolds the piece of paper) Oh... no shi... I was so close.

(After everything at the waitress's bachelorette party goes awful)"
Frank: This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?
Artemis: You know it.
Dee: (angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!
Frank: Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
Dee: Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!

(As they sing, it slowly dawns on Mac that he's hitched his cart to the wrong star...again. One of the children puts money in the still-full cup of coffee he was drinking out of. He's had it.)
Mac: Goddammit! (He walks away.) Goddammit!

(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)
Mac (sarcastic): This is very intimidating, Frank.
Frank: Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)
Man: Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.
Mac (does a double take): What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!
Man: Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?
Mac (annoyed): We don't sing, guy!
Frank: Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?
Mac (dumbfounded): You guys sing?!
Frank: Of course, we sing! We're a gang!
Mac: No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!
Frank: What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?
Mac: we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!
Frank: Listen to this: (They break out into song.)

(Cut to the restaurant.)
Dennis: Guess what? I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day--nine.
Dee (high-fiving him): Nine? Come on. Six strawberry margaritas, please. (Charlie and the Waitress come up. Charlie is clearly gloating about something.)
Charlie: Uh, don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses!
Dee: What?! You told on us?
Dennis (hurt): Babe, don't do that to me! I feel like we were getting so close, sweet baby--
Charlie: He doesn't even know your name!
Dennis: Yes, I do!
Waitress: What's my name, what is it? (There is a pause while Dennis tries to figure out a way to bullshit his way out of this one.)
Dennis: Beautiful. (It didn't work.)
Waitress (disgusted): Oh, my God! You're a dick!
Dennis: That's what I call you all the time. Would you not want to be called "beautiful"? (Corporate Guy enters.)
Corporate Guy: Are one of you guys the one that called me? (Charlie turns to face him.)
Charlie (raising his hand): Uh, right here. These two (points to Dennis and Dee) are the ones who were stealing.
Corporate Guy: Hey, I know you...(points at Dennis)...and you. You're the ones who run that dive bar down the street!
Charlie: Yeah, and you're the corporate dude with the helicopter.
Corporate Guy: Right. Here's the thing--I had a really strange night last night. Your friends and their doo-wop group, they showed up at my house and tried to attack me. One of them died on my doorstep, and it sorta put me in a funk. So I'm gonna clean house, and you're all fired. (The Gang is taken aback, but the Waitress is incredibly smug.)
Waitress (gloating): You guys are all fired. I'm not fired. I'm not fired, right?
Corporate Guy: Did you hire these people? (Various affirmations from the Gang.)
Charlie: She hired me.
Corporate Guy: Well, then, clearly you're an idiot, because these people are psychopaths. (sarcastic) But no, you're not fired. (beat) I'm just kidding, you are. Get the hell out of my restaurant. (He walks out.)
Waitress (turning on Charlie): Goddammit, Charlie! Really?! Now how am I gonna pay for my rent next month, huh?
Charlie: Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)
Waitress: GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)

(Dennis is walking through the fair while pushing an old lady in a wheelchair.)
Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

Coast on, Yellow Jacket Boys,
Buzz-Buzz-Bumble,
They don't pay for sodapop,
'Cause they really rumble

[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.