Mac: (To his pre-op transsexual girlfriend) It's not that I'm ashamed of you, it's that I'm ashamed of myself.

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Mac: A lot of great actors have done blackface.
Dennis: There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.

Mac: All right, kids, how you feeling?
Ducks' Team: Good.
Mac: Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull? Come on, chug 'em down!
Ducks' Player: I feel sick.
Mac: That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach. That's a good thing, trust me.

Mac: �But I'm healthy besides the diabitis.
Doctor: �Um, no.
Mac: �But I'm more healthier than he is, is the point I think you're trying to make, even with the diabitis.
Dennis: Dude, stop saying "diabitis"! You sound like an ass...

Mac: �People change, Frank. Look at me: I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.��

Mac: Based off the story you just told me Charlie.......I believe those Santas were running a train on your mom.....based off that story you just told me.

Mac: Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--
Dee: Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Mac: Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
Charlie: Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
Dennis: What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
Frank: I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
Dennis: Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
Frank: Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get really weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.
Mac: Jesus Christ!

Mac: Great. Walk me through the plan again.
Dennis: Awesome.
Dennis: The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
Mac: That's a great plan.
Charlie (as Green Man): Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?
Dennis: Like, two seconds.
Charlie: Seriously?
Dennis: Frank, give me the gun.
Frank: Where is it?
Dennis: It's in your hand!
Charlie: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?
Dennis: I don't know!
Frank: That lizard talks!
Charlie: Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
Mac: We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!
(Frank cocks the gun and points it at Mac and Dennis)

Mac: Guys! Guys! Guys! I'VE GOT NEWS! I've got HUGE news! So I went down to the gym this morning, right. I was all amped up, cuz' Charlie and I found found a bunch of nuts. I was SO full Protein. Okay. I went to get my pump on, but I couldn't get my pump on. Now, I know what you are thinking, clearly I did get my pump on but that's just because I did a bunch of push-ups outside also why I am out of breath.

Mac: Hey bro, how'd you lose your hand?
Sailor: Diabetes.
Mac: That's not much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.

Mac: I browned out that evening.
Frank: Browned out? What's browned out?
Mac: It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.