Kid: (Holds up soda can)
Dennis: Diet? Does it look like I need to be on a diet?
Kid: I don't know
Dennis: Terrible, take a lap.

Lady: Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?
Dennis: Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.
Lady: You're very handsome.
Dennis: Thank you ha ha.
Charlie: This is going very, very well man.
Dennis: I know people are really responding to me.
Charlie: They love the bone structure.
Mac: [walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.
Charlie: What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.
Dennis: Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.
Mac: Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?
Charlie: "What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.
Dennis: You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.
Mac: All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.
Woman: Oh, thank you.
Mac: Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.
Woman: Excuse me?
Mac: Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.
Woman: You know, I'd rather not.
Mac: [stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you know...it's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.
Woman: You know what? Please leave me alone.
Mac: OK, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.
Woman: I said no!
Mac: Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]
Woman: Somebody help me!
Charlie: This is campaign suicide, dude...
Dennis: Let's get out of here.

Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
Dennis: That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Dee: No, just get to the reading part.
Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go.
Lawyer: All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank: Yo!
Lawyer: OK, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Dennis: What?!
Dee: What?!
Frank: Bruce Mathis?!
Lawyer: [reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Dee: Why are you giving it to him?!
Lawyer: I'm not--
Dee: She barely even knew him!
Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Frank: Where is that rat bastard?!
Lawyer: Sir, I don't know!
Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, OK? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Dennis: Yeah, OK... well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
Lawyer: "...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
Dennis: I would never let him in.
Frank: What?!
Lawyer: Deandra?
Dee: Yes.
Lawyer: "You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
Dee: A mistake? We're twins.
Lawyer: Yeah...
Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank: You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
Lawyer: You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ.

Lawyer: You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
Frank: That's bullbird man.
Charlie: Alright.
Frank: Whaddaya got there?
Charlie: Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.
Lawyer: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.
Lawyer: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: Well I could ask you that very same question.
Lawyer: I went to Harvard.
Charlie: Ah, mhm.
Lawyer: How about you? Hm? Uh?
Charlie: I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
Lawyer: I'd advise that you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?
Lawyer: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.
Charlie: (said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!
Lawyer: Do you.. Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: Ah-yup!
Lawyer: Yeah, whats that mean?
Charlie: uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)

Li'l Kev: Later, biatch!

Liam: Start breaking bricks wet nips!

Lil' Kev: [rapping] Let me tell y'all a story bout a girl I knew,
A broke-ass bitch with a gay-ass crew.
She said that I was cute, she said that I was funny,
But the honey couldn't stop lookin' at my money,
Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass,
Body like a skeleton in science class,
Face beat up by the School of Hard Knocks,
Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox,
Its like she's skinny, fat in all the wrong places,
Mothers gotta cover they babies faces,
When she walks by people think she's Godzilla,
Straight outa Compton y'all, naw, straight outa Thrilla,
Lookin' like a zombie, walkin' like a chicken,
Mouth full of shit, that's why her breath be stinkin',
Just one question Dee, before you take your bow:
"This gravy train's leavin, so who's retarded now?"

Mac and Dennis: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Frank: Lizard, am I standing in poop?

Mac: How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
Charlie: You're totally right, dude.
Mac: Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.
Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Charlie: Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
Mac: We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
Charlie: Oh, good!

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, OK?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

Mac: Kaboom!
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Charlie: Hahahahahaha!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac: How?
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: Uhh...you I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like uh...to teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?

Mac: Wait...the brakes...the brakes aren't working.
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying...no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better...
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]

Mac: What's up bitches?
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

Mac (annoyed): Don't write a song about that.

Mac: "As a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence... I find shortcuts insulting. Now give me a piece of ham now!"
(Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee have just run into two homeless men having anal sex under the boardwalk, just as Dennis has been telling Charlie about the romanticism of the Boardwalk.)