Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.
Frank: Hey street rat!

Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Frank (sarcastic): Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me, that my HORRIBLE, WHORE WIFE has tricked me into raising two bastards for thirty years, and I'm bein' asked not to make a scene! (He goes over to a nearby table.) Did you bang my wife? Huh? (As he goes over to another table, Dennis and Sweet Dee are mortified, while Barbara is just annoyed.) Did you bang my whore wife? (Addressing the room in general) Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my horrible, whore wife THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?!
Barbara (annoyed): Jesus, Frank...
Frank (really losing it now): JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK!!! JESUS!!! My life is a lie! My life IS A LIE!!!! (His gaze turns back to their table and he lunges for a fork. Completely unhinged) Somebody's gotta get stabbed! SOMEBODY'S GOTTA GET-- (Frank freezes in mid-sentence, almost as if he's been hit by something, gurgles feebly, and falls straight to the floor, taking the tablecloth and everything on it with him.)
Season 3

Frank (threateningly): Stay away from my bang-maid!

Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank: [pauses] Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Frank: After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.
Charlie: Really?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.
Frank: She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.

Frank: All right, here's what you're going to do. You're going to take all the weight on your neck. Then you're going to jam your legs down and hyper-extend your ankles, and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee: Not one of those things sounds right to me. At all.

Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.

Frank: Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?
Dee: That's leather? I thought it was plastic.
Frank: Who the hell wears a plastic suit?
Dee: I just don't question the things you do anymore.

Frank: Anyone want any more catfish?
Charlie: Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...

Frank: Charlie's right! We shouldn't be breakin' our shit! We should be out there breakin' other peoples' shit! That's rock and roll!

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to...to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.

Frank: Hey gang, what's the action?
Dennis: What's going on here?
Frank: Asians love gambling!
Sweet Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Yeah, from Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

Frank: How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?
Mac: We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank (sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank (panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Mac: Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
Frank: We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Mac: What?
Frank: Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Charlie: Glue is for huffing, dude!
Frank: Gimme the glue!
Mac: It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!
Frank: THIS IS NOT ROCK AND ROLL!