Father Ted quotes
185 total quotesFather Ted: Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?
Father Dougal: (after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.
Father Dougal: (after a wide-eyed long pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.
Father Ted: Dougal, Purcell's the most boring priest in the world. He was working in Nigeria a few years ago, and he woke up one morning to find everyone in the village had had enough of him and gone off in a big boat. It sank after about a mile and they were eaten by crocodiles.
Father Ted: Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?
Father Jack: CAR!
Father Ted: Oh, god...
Father Jack: Drived the car!
Father Ted: Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?
Father Jack: (looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!
Father Ted: Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?
Father Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
Father Ted: A truck?!
Father Jack: (smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!
Father Ted: Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.
Father Jack: CAR!
Father Ted: Oh, god...
Father Jack: Drived the car!
Father Ted: Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?
Father Jack: (looks at the half-empty bottle of whisky he's holding and thinks for a moment) YES!
Father Ted: Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?
Father Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!
Father Ted: A truck?!
Father Jack: (smashing two empty cans of lager together) TWO trucks!!!
Father Ted: Let's take a look. See if there's anything we can salvage.
Father Ted: He's not a very nice man, is he?
Dougal: God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!
Dougal: God Ted I've never met anyone like him anyway. Who would he be like? Hitler or one of those mad fellas.
Father Ted: Oh, worse than Hitler. You wouldn't find Hitler playing jungle music at three o'clock in the morning!
Father Ted: Hello, is that being vaguely unhappy but not being able to figure out exactly why?
Priest 1: No, this is 'how to break the news of a death.'
Priest 2: We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, 'Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!'
Priest 1: Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like 'remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh!'"
Series 3
Priest 1: No, this is 'how to break the news of a death.'
Priest 2: We were just talking about techniques, I say it's best to just get it over quickly, 'Your husband's dead and he's not coming back, get used to it!'
Priest 1: Ah, yes, but sometimes a few little hints help, like 'remember how your husband USED to love a good laugh!'"
Series 3
Father Ted: I suppose, I made your vow for you. But I know that deep down inside you'd like to make a little sacrifice.
Father Jack: Sacrifice?! Arse!!
(Phone Conversation)
Father Jack: Sacrifice?! Arse!!
(Phone Conversation)
Father Ted: I was just thinking about my next parish. Bishop Brennan is always threatening to send me somewhere unpleasant, and this time I think he just might go through with it. You see...I'm going to kick him up the arse.
Father Ted: I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas...priests... More drink! (All cheer)
Father Ted: It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive.
Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?
Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...
Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
Father Ted: Effin' this and effin' that...
Father Dougal: Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...
Father Ted: Now, Dougal!
Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted?
Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that...
Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.
Father Ted: Effin' this and effin' that...
Father Dougal: Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu...
Father Ted: Now, Dougal!
Father Ted: Last year, Dick made me photocopy my own rear end. They never let me in that library again.
Father Ted: Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
Father Dougal: Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
Father Ted: More bad news, Dougal. I've just been speaking to Father Ned Fitzmorris. He tripped on a paving stone and one of his kneecaps fell off. There's no way around it...I'm going to have to put him in goal.
Father Ted: Mrs Doyle, have you got your contacts in?
Mrs Doyle: No, a dog ran off with them.
Mrs Doyle: No, a dog ran off with them.