(After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.)
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!

Mrs Doyle: Who's for tea?
Father Jack: Tea?! Feck!

Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!

(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)
Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven...
Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy..
Father Ted: Name!
Father Dougal: Papa don't preach...
Father Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways.
Father Dougal: Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Father Ted: Yes, that was a good one all right.

(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)
Father Dougal: Knock, knock!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night Dougal!

Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father?
Father Ted: Yes, Tom?
Tom: I've killed a man.
Father Ted: (nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!

Terry (On the phone to Ted): Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.
Ted (smiling): Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. The go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'.

Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted!

(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)
Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)

Mary: Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us.

Father Dougal: They have horse riding as well. I remember I did it last year. Well it wasn't really a horse, it was actually this oul fella. He couldn't go very fast so I had to hit him with the whip a few times.
Father Ted: How old was he?
Father Dougal: I'd say he was about 80.
Father Ted: And how long were you up on him?
Father Dougal: About an hour?
Father Ted: So you were up on an 80-year-old man's back for 60 minutes, whipping him around the place. Do you realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?

Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Father Ted: Yes he is.

Dermot Stone: Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed!

Father Ted: Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Bishop Brennan: Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Father Ted: Yes, but surely I'm alright.
Bishop Brennan: No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
Father Ted: I don't know what happened to that money-!
Bishop Brennan: Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...
Father Ted: Yes, that was unfortunate!
Bishop Brennan: The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!
Dougal: They were only nuns.
Bishop Brennan: Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
Father Ted: Film? What film?
Bishop Brennan: This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!
Dougal': Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?
Bishop Brennan: I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Father Ted: What do you mean?
Bishop Brennan: Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Dougal: Oh, thanks very much.
Bishop Brennan: Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.
Father Ted: Bishop, this isn't really my area.
Bishop Brennan: Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?