(Jack is having his eyesight tested).
Optician: Well I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be perfect. He read all the way down to the last line of the chart, and even I can't see that one.
(The chart is reavealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over.)
Ted: I see. Thing is, Jack has a great fondness for that particular word.
Optician: Well, it's the first time I've used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
Ted: Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave.)
Optician: And now for a chart made by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. (She replaces the chart with a new chart which repeats the words "Feck Arse" over and over.)

Alan: Should I call the police, Father?
Father Ted: No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.

All: Amen.
Father Dougal: Eamonn.

Bishop Brennan: Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

Bishop Brennan: Alright Crilly, I'll make this short. What would the following suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?
Father Ted: Oh no!
Bishop Brennan: Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a hat and a pair of socks! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...
Father Ted: Yes, your Grace?
Bishop Brennan: [referring to the previous call] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!

Bishop Brennan: Crilly, it's me, Bishop Brennan.
Father Ted: Oh feck! [realises his mistake]
Bishop Brennan: WHAT!?
Father Ted: [putting on a bad French accent] 'Oo is dis? Zere is no Crilly 'ere! [hangs up]

Bishop Brennan: Don't call me "Len", you little prick! I'm a bishop!
Dougal: Oh right. (pause) Well done.

Bishop Brennan: Once again I am forced from my comfy fireside to deal with the cast of Police Academy.

Bishop Brennan: People are coming from all over the country to see the film! They're even coming from Gda��sk to see the film!

Bishop Brennan: Right, now I think it would be best for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside my jurisdiction! Now Ted, I thought you might like to go to America. What part, do you reckon?
Father Ted: Um...Las Vegas?
Bishop Brennan: Oh, I'm sorry Ted, I meant South America. Ah, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never found the right man to bring them to gether in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, Ted, are the man!
Father Ted: [discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!
Bishop Brennan: No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

Bishop Brennan: [angry] What brings me here, well I suppose the company, eh? Or the fresh air? Or the view from my window of that enormous pile of sludge?! But top of the list would be the matter of you kicking me up the arse!

Bishop O'Neill: So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you've been having with beliefs or anything like that?
Father Dougal: Well you know the way God made us, and he's looking down at us from heaven?
Bishop O'Neill: Yeah...
Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?
Bishop O'Neill: Uh huh...
Father Dougal: And when we die, we're all going to go to heaven?
Bishop O'Neill: Yes. What about it?
Father Dougal: Well that's the part I have trouble with!

Bishop O'Neill:Everlasting Life? Big Demons sticking hot pokers up Your arse for all Eternity? I don't buy it

Charles Hedges: Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...
Father Ted': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!
Father Ted: Sorry?
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.
Father Ted: Ah, yes...
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]
Father Ted: Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.
Charles Hedges: Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine.
Father Ted: Alright, do you know him a long time?
Charles Hedges: Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years.
Father Ted: Oh, right, you run the production company together?
Charles Hedges: No, no, he's my lover.

Contestant #1: Oh sorry, I lent on the buzzer by accident.
Henry Sellers: Okay, moving on. A stitch in time saves how many?
(Contestant #1 rings)