[the priests are holding a competition to find out who should get the two parachutes on the plane]
Father Ted: Father Cave, do you want to go first?
Father Cave: I haven't written this down, because this comes from the heart. Father Gallagher, I've known you and been your friend for many years. And I think it's important to say, I love you. I love you more than anyone I've ever loved! I don't want the parachute, give it to him! [sits down and bursts into tears, while the other priests look taken aback]
Father Ted: R-right, well done, Father Cave. Father Fay?
[Fay stands up, clears his throat, then yells monkey-style gibberish while waving his arms around. The other priests look awed and clap admiringly]
Father Ted: Well, beat that! Joe?
Father Joe Briefly: I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn't work! [disapproving grumbles from the other priests]
Father Ted: Not a popular one, Joe. Father Flynn, what did you write?
Father Flynn: I haven't written anything, because I'm not really good at that type of thing. But I did a drawing.
Father Ted: Right, well, can we have a look?
[Flynn reveals the drawing; it shows himself naked from behind, while walking a dog]
Father Flynn: What do you think?
Father Ted: Well, er...
Father Flynn: It's me, in the nip, with a dog!
Father Ted: [bewildered] What... how... how does that help you win a parachute?
Father Flynn: What do you mean, parachute? I wasn't listening at the start, there. Why would I want a parachute?
Father Ted: The plane's in trouble, and there's a competition to see who gets a parachute.
Father Flynn: Ohh... [sits down, looking shellshocked]
Father Ted: Okay, er, Father Jack, you next. [there is no response. The priests look around, but Jack is nowhere in sight] Father Jack? Where's Father Jack?
Pilot: The parachutes! The parachutes have gone!
[we see Father Jack, standing at one of the aeroplane's doors; he has one of the parachutes for himself, and has strapped the other to the drinks trolley. He pushes the trolley out, then follows it]
Father Jack: [echoing] DRIIIIIIIIIIIIINK!

Father Ted: Who's got the most boring voice?
Billy: What?
Father Ted: Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
Fitzgerald: (extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Father Ted: Right, now, listen to me--
Fitzgerald: I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Father Ted: Yes, yes, now listen--
Reilly: (loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
Fitzgerald: No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
Reilly: In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Father Ted: Listen! This is what we're going to do...
Dougal: (to Father Terry) What's going on?
Terry: I think Ted has a plan.
Dougal: No, I mean in general.
Terry: Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.
Fitzgerald: (speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...
(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)
Father Ted: (grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!
"Welcome to Priest Chatback � if you're under 18 or not a priest, please hang up now..."

Mrs. Doyle: Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
Mrs. Doyle: OK so... would you like a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [uncertain] Ok so...
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Mrs. Doyle: Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
Father Jessup: [still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [looks confusedly at Father Ted]
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
Mrs. Doyle: [very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
Mrs. Doyle: [takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]
[Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink]

Father Fintan Stack: What are we watching?
Father Ken Dillon: We're looking at the sports day.
Father Fintan Stack: Lots of young fellas running around in shorts? That's the kind of thing you like looking at. (Turns to Father Shanahan) And I'll bet you like that too. You're probably imagining what they'd look like without shorts. You're sitting there, imagining that, with a big smile on your face. Ya dirty fecker!
Father Ted: Father Stack, if you're trying to embarass us, you're not succeeding.
Father Stack: Yes I am.
Father Rory Shanahan: Well I have to say, I think that you're a very rude man.
Father Stack: If you ever say that to me again, I'll put your head through the wall.
(Door swings open, sound of beer cans being kicked. Dougal is very obviously drunk)
Father Ted: Dougal, where did you go to?
Dougal: Ted, how are ya!
Father Ted: (Dougal hugs Ted, Ted resists) Dougal, what the...
Dougal: Guess what, Ted?
Father Ted: What?
Dougal:(confused) What?
Father Ted: Dougal! Have you been drinking?
Dougal: I have, Ted! I've been drinking like a mad eejit! No, no, oh wait! (gives a drawn-out wink to Father Stack) No I haven't!
Father Ted: Dougal, I'm ashamed of you.
Dougal: (shakes Ted) Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted, Ted. Come here Teddy, Teddy, Ted, Ted, you're my best friend. God I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, waheyy.
Father Stack: Perhaps I should explain, your little friend and I were enjoying ourselves with a bottle of whiskey I found upstairs.
Father Ted: Oh, well, that is the last straw.
Dougal: I'm driving! I'm driving home, I'm perfectly capable... (passes out. Fintan picks up the car keys)
Father Stack: Oh, by the way. I got the keys to your car, and I drove it into a big wall. If you don't like it, tough! (uses key to clean out his ear) I had my fun, and that's all that matters.
Dougal: I can see up your trousers, Ted!
Father Ted: Right, well that's it. I thought giving alcohol to Dougal was the last straw, but I was obviously wrong as this is definitely the last bit of straw left in the thing. Basically what I'm saying is... there's no more straw left!
Father Shanahan: Ted, it's getting a little late.
Father Dillon: Yes, I really think we should go.
Father Ted: No, you don't have to go.
Father Shanahan: I think we should.
Father Stack: (leers at the two priests as they exit) Woooh! Bye girls, pair of wankers.
Father Ted: Oh right, that's it. Come on Dougall, I think we've had quite enough of Father Stack's company for one evening.
Dougal: To the pub, Ted.

Father Ted: Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Bishop Brennan: Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Father Ted: Yes, but surely I'm alright.
Bishop Brennan: No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
Father Ted: I don't know what happened to that money-!
Bishop Brennan: Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...
Father Ted: Yes, that was unfortunate!
Bishop Brennan: The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!
Dougal: They were only nuns.
Bishop Brennan: Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
Father Ted: Film? What film?
Bishop Brennan: This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!
Dougal': Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?
Bishop Brennan: I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Father Ted: What do you mean?
Bishop Brennan: Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Dougal: Oh, thanks very much.
Bishop Brennan: Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.
Father Ted: Bishop, this isn't really my area.
Bishop Brennan: Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Father Ted: Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but- This is water.
Sister Assumpta: That's right.
Father Ted: ....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast?
Father Dougal: Ted, I'd love a pop-tart.
Father Ted: Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning.
Sister Assumpta: I really don't think pop tarts have any place in our Lord's plan for the world.
Father Ted: I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.
Father Dougal: What about....Frosties?
Father Ted: Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light.
Father Dougal: Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms-
Sister Assumpta: FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.

Bishop Brennan: Right, now I think it would be best for ye three to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside my jurisdiction! Now Ted, I thought you might like to go to America. What part, do you reckon?
Father Ted: Um...Las Vegas?
Bishop Brennan: Oh, I'm sorry Ted, I meant South America. Ah, there's a lovely little island, off the coast of Surinam and, [starts laughing hysterically] they have a couple of tribes there- you're going to love this!- and they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907! And we have never found the right man to bring them to gether in the spirit of Christian harmony, but I think that you, Ted, are the man!
Father Ted: [discomforted] Well, thanks very much-!
Bishop Brennan: No need to thank me- by the way, do you know how to make arrows?

(Jack is having his eyesight tested).
Optician: Well I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be perfect. He read all the way down to the last line of the chart, and even I can't see that one.
(The chart is reavealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over.)
Ted: I see. Thing is, Jack has a great fondness for that particular word.
Optician: Well, it's the first time I've used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
Ted: Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave.)
Optician: And now for a chart made by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. (She replaces the chart with a new chart which repeats the words "Feck Arse" over and over.)

Bishop Brennan: Alright Crilly, I'll make this short. What would the following suggest to you: "Jack", "sleep-walking", and "bollock-naked"?
Father Ted: Oh no!
Bishop Brennan: Now this is the third time in the last six months! You may have heard of Brian Noonan, a very important Junior Minister- and a personal friend of mine- and I can tell you now the last thing he and his family needs to see is the vision of an elderly priest wearing only a hat and a pair of socks! Now I'll be around on Thursday to inspect security arrangements, and Crilly...
Father Ted: Yes, your Grace?
Bishop Brennan: [referring to the previous call] If you ever try to bullshit me like that again, I will rip off your arms!

[Ted is attempting to place some bottles of wine in a bag without waking Jack. The bottles clink together. Jack wakes up.]
Father Jack: Drink!
Father Ted: No Father, it's just fizzy water.
Father Jack: Jacob's Creek chardonnay 1991!
Father Ted: You can tell just by the sound?

Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Father Jack: A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Father Ted: Who knows...
Father Jack: Knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father.
Father Jack: Women's knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.

Henry Sellers: Oh what a shower of bastards!
Father Dunne: Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?
Father Ted: I didn't know this would happen!
Father Dunne: That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!
Father Ted: How was I supposed to know?
Henry Sellers: Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!
Father Ted: Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?
Henry Sellers: Get away from me, priest!
Father Ted: Perhaps it's time to go to bed!
Father Ted: (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!
Henry Sellers: Do you want a fight?!
Henry Sellers: Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!
Father Ted: Absolutely!
Henry Sellers: Made my life a bloody misery!
Father Ted: Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!
Henry Sellers: Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (smashes through window)
Father Dougal: It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!

Bishop Brennan: Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

Charles Hedges: Hello, Father Crilly. I'm Charles Hedges, your producer for this evening, and this is...
Father Ted': Oh, you don't need to tell me! Mr. Rickwood, I'm delighted to meet you. I thought you did a brilliant job presenting last year's show.
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellthatsthebusinesslikeyouknowwhatimeanyouknowinandoutthedoorsandgiddyup!
Father Ted: Sorry?
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Likethebusinessyouknowgetitoutthedoorsandgiddyup.
Father Ted: Ah, yes...
Fred Rickwood: [Slurred] Wellanywayshamehithimshaveabollock. [exits]
Father Ted: Mmm. Mmm. I have to say, he sounded a lot better on last year's show.
Charles Hedges: Well, once he's on the stage, he's fine.
Father Ted: Alright, do you know him a long time?
Charles Hedges: Yes, yes, yes, we've been partners for ten years.
Father Ted: Oh, right, you run the production company together?
Charles Hedges: No, no, he's my lover.

Father Purcell: We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."
Father Ted: Are you alright there Fathers?
Father Jack: HELP ME!!!
Father Purcell: Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Father Ted: Er I don't know what you're....
Father Purcell: Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!
Father Ted: (to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Father Jack: Thank CHRIST!
Father Purcell: Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!