Father Purcell: This is a piece of advice my father gave to me. Now this refers not only to lagging, but all forms of insulation. He said "dont ever"...no, wait, it was "always"...no er, "never, never" - oh wait now, I've forgotten. Never mind. Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming. I knew a woman once, but she died soon afterwards. Now if you push me to it, I'd have to say my favourite colour is grey. No, blue. A soft blue with a hint of grey. No, orange. Yes, orange. I remember now. I had an extension put on the house, and I put it on the extension, so the house is in a circle now, you see...

Father Purcell: We run the gas off the electricity and the electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new boiler..."
Father Ted: Are you alright there Fathers?
Father Jack: HELP ME!!!
Father Purcell: Ah hello Ted, I was just telling Father Jack about the thing there last year, how did you fare with yours?
Father Ted: Er I don't know what you're....
Father Purcell: Because you know they have no morals and no respect for human life. But what they do have and no-one can deny this now, they have the finest collection of boilers in the world! And I include Canada in that!
Father Ted: (to Father Purcell) Actually I'd just like to borrow Father Jack for a moment...
Father Jack: Thank CHRIST!
Father Purcell: Ah God, I remember the first time I saw that boiler now, beautiful!

Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: YOU LIAR! You broke all the plates and then you said "Ah, I am so tired! I never had to wash up plates when I was in the Wehrmacht!

Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead again are you?

Father Ted: "God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."
Father Dougal: "I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."
Father Ted: "Why?"
Father Dougal: "Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"
Father Ted: "DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"
Father Dougal: "Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."
Father Ted: "The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"

Father Ted: "If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet..."
Father Jack: AH, FECK! [Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting] Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck!
Father Ted: "I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence."

Father Ted: (Using a long stick with Dougal's help to wake Jack up from distance) Father, father, wake up! It's just us.
Jack: (Waking up) Get to feck! (Throws down stick) Drrrriiink!(Reaches for his glass and begins to drink)
Father Ted:(Panicked) No Father don't drink that it's...
Father Jack: FECKIN' WATER!

Father Ted: (as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya?
Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms.

Father Ted: (trying to stall Bishop Brennan) Who'd have thought somebody from Limerick'd get this far?
Father Dougal: (shouting up the stairs) Ted, did Len find the rabbits?
Bishop Brennan: What did he just say?!
Father Ted: Ah, I can explain...
Bishop Brennan: Did he call me Len again? You address me by my proper title, you little bollocks!

Father Ted: [quoting The Dead] "It's beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, are falling obliquely against the lamplight. It's probably falling all over the island; on the central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and headstones, upon all the living and the dead..."
Father Jack: SHUT THE FECK UP!

Father Ted: Because Dougal, my nerves are shot. I won't be able to relax until the only rabbit here is the one sitting in your head working the controls.

Father Ted: Bingo!
Father Dougal: No luck then, Ted?

Father Ted: Bloody hell!
Father Dougal: Good news Ted?

Father Ted: But best of all the Chinese people themselves. Look at them there, aren't they great? The Chinese; a great bunch of lads.

Father Ted: Do you not notice the holy smell of the room?
Dougal: Ah, Ted, I think that might just be Father Jack's underpants hamper.