Father Ted: Oh God, Dougal. We're in Lingerie!
Dougal: Where's the problem there, Ted?

Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line.

Father Ted: Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

Father Ted: Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but- This is water.
Sister Assumpta: That's right.
Father Ted: ....Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where's our real breakfast?
Father Dougal: Ted, I'd love a pop-tart.
Father Ted: Yes, Father Dougal likes his pop tarts first thing in the morning.
Sister Assumpta: I really don't think pop tarts have any place in our Lord's plan for the world.
Father Ted: I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe our Lord doesn't take a personal interest in them but I'm sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.
Father Dougal: What about....Frosties?
Father Ted: Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea but He'd be the one who'd give them the green light.
Father Dougal: Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms-
Sister Assumpta: FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE- Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast and come outside for your daily punishment.

Father Ted: So there's...no way he'll be able to play?
Father Niall: No. No, he's dead.

Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood.
Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he?
Father Ted: Yes he is.

Father Ted: That's a very nice sword. Where exactly are you going to put the rabbits?
Tom: In the vice, father.

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism. It's so vague and no one really knows what it's about.

Father Ted: The way I feel now...I could convert gays!

Father Ted: There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!

Father Ted: Who's got the most boring voice?
Billy: What?
Father Ted: Of the lot of us, who's got the most boring voice?
Fitzgerald: (extremely dull voice) That'd be me, Ted...
Father Ted: Right, now, listen to me--
Fitzgerald: I have an awful dreary monotonous voice, God help me...
Father Ted: Yes, yes, now listen--
Reilly: (loud stage voice) Ted! Were you asking for a dramatic, exciting voice?
Fitzgerald: No. He said boring. He wanted a boring voice.
Reilly: In that case, you must excuse me for my impetuous interruption!
Father Ted: Listen! This is what we're going to do...
Dougal: (to Father Terry) What's going on?
Terry: I think Ted has a plan.
Dougal: No, I mean in general.
Terry: Well, he's going to get us out of the lingerie section.
Fitzgerald: (speaking into intercom, boring voice) Ladies and gentlemen, could you please bring your purchases to the checkout as the store is about to close. Hurry up. Come on, hurry up, will ye...
(customers begin to walk towards the gathered priests)
Father Ted: (grabbing the microphone) Not that way, for feck's sake, the other way!
"Welcome to Priest Chatback � if you're under 18 or not a priest, please hang up now..."

Father Ted: Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Bishop Brennan: Fat chance! You're here until I tell you otherwise! You think I'd let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Father Ted: Yes, but surely I'm alright.
Bishop Brennan: No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
Father Ted: I don't know what happened to that money-!
Bishop Brennan: Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this...cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident...
Father Ted: Yes, that was unfortunate!
Bishop Brennan: The amount of peoples' lives irreperably damaged!
Dougal: They were only nuns.
Bishop Brennan: Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
Father Ted: Film? What film?
Bishop Brennan: This blasphemous film, "The Passion of St. Tibulus". Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing's being shown on this godforsaken dump!
Dougal': Oh yes, that's right. Is it any good, do you know?
Bishop Brennan: I don't care if it's any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that's where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Father Ted: What do you mean?
Bishop Brennan: Well, I know that normally you couldn't organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it's up to you to make the Church's position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Dougal: Oh, thanks very much.
Bishop Brennan: Listen, this is very serious. Don't make a balls of it, right? I'll be in touch.
Father Ted: Bishop, this isn't really my area.
Bishop Brennan: Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you're told, right?!?

Father Ted: [to Father Jack, scaring him] FECK OFF!!

Father Ted: [trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?
Mrs Doyle: Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!
Father Jack: I love my brick!
Father Ted: Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--
[Jack suddenly hurls the brick at Ted, knocking him out]
Father Jack: Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!

Frank: Fup off, you grasshole!