Henry Sellers: I'll give you a clue: you live there.
(Contestant #1 rings here buzzer)

Henry Sellers: Oh well, since I didn't humiliate myself too much last time, I might as well have a glass of champagne. Cheers!
Father Ted: Henry, no!
[Henry drinks the glass of champagne in one gulp]
Henry Sellers: Mmm! Don't worry, Father. Sure, if I can't celebrate tonight, then when can I, the bastards! What the hell is going on here, how dare they do this to me?! How dare they sack me! I'm Henry Sellers! I'm Henry Sellers!
[Henry throws himself out of the window, and the sound of his voice trails off]
Father Ted: Well, there he goes again.
Father Dougal: You're right there, Ted.
Father Ted: Never mind, we can look for him in the morning.

Henry Sellers: Oh what a shower of bastards!
Father Dunne: Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink?
Father Ted: I didn't know this would happen!
Father Dunne: That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted!
Father Ted: How was I supposed to know?
Henry Sellers: Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it!
Father Ted: Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better?
Henry Sellers: Get away from me, priest!
Father Ted: Perhaps it's time to go to bed!
Father Ted: (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway!
Henry Sellers: Do you want a fight?!
Henry Sellers: Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags!
Father Ted: Absolutely!
Henry Sellers: Made my life a bloody misery!
Father Ted: Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps!
Henry Sellers: Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (smashes through window)
Father Dougal: It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be disappointed!

Henry Sellers: What is the capital of the UK? Is it (a), New York, (b), London (he nods unsubtly), or (c), Munich?
(Silence)

Indiscernible audience member at the competition (whenever something shocking is revealed): Fuckin' hell!

Laura Sweeney: When is the funeral again?
Father Dougal: Again? We haven't had the first one yet!

Mary: Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits!
John: At least that's one pair between us.

Mr. Fox: (Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.

Mrs Doyle (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake!

Mrs Doyle: (hesitantly, while watching football and reading from the book "Understnding football for women") Go on... my son.

Mrs Doyle: (While Ted is trying to eat a sausage) They were a bit obsessed with the old...S-E-X. God I'm glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

Mrs Doyle: [quoting Polly Clark's books] "Eff you! Eff your effing wife! I'll stick this effing pitchforkup your hole", oh that was another one, oh yes![...] "Bastard this" and "Bastard that", you can't move for the bastards in her novels; it's wall-to-wall bastards![...] You bastard, you fecker, you bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face! [...] "Ride me sideways" was another one!

Mrs Doyle: Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)
Father Ted: I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)
Mrs Doyle (suddenly serious): Yes.
Father Ted (taken aback): What?
Mrs Doyle: Yes, we do have some sheep tea.
Father Ted: Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.
Mrs Doyle (overjoyed): Okay so!

Mrs Doyle: Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out.
Father Jack: Me arse!

Mrs Doyle: I got someone to come around and take away all the furniture and burn it in a big fire!