Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world?

Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack: Feck off, cup!

Mrs Doyle: Who's for tea?
Father Jack: Tea?! Feck!

Mrs. Doyle: Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
Father Ted: What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.

Mrs. Doyle: Shall I make the beds in the spare room?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, we'll sleep outside in a ditch!
Mrs. Doyle: OK so... would you like a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [sarcastic] No, We want to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [uncertain] Ok so...
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I think Father Jessup might have been being a bit... sarcastic...
Mrs. Doyle: Really? Were you being sarcastic, Father Jessup?
Father Jessup: [still sarcastic] No, we'd like to die of thirst.
Mrs. Doyle: [looks confusedly at Father Ted]
Father Ted: [quiet] Mrs. Doyle, I know it's a bit confusing, but the trick is to do the opposite to what Father Jessup says.
Mrs. Doyle: [very uncertain] So, you really... do... want a cup of tea?
Father Jessup: [exasperated] Yes! [reaches out for the cup]
Mrs. Doyle: [takes the cup away, and looks very pleased with herself thinking she has understood correctly]
[Father Jack awakens and moves, rattling some cans of drink]

Niamh Conolly: The church in Ireland secretly had lots of potatoes during the famine, and they hid the potatoes in pillows and sold them abroad in potato fairs. And the Pope closed down a lot of the factories that were makin' the potatoes and turned them into prisons for children.
Father Ted: God almighty, she says that as if there's something sinister about it all! I mean, what is the problem with her?!

Nun: On special offer this month we have the Lenten package. £150 - plus V.A.T. - plus booking fee, that's £200.
Father Ted: £200?! I'm not trying to buy cocaine!

Pat: [In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!

Pat: You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?
Father Ted: Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!

Patsy: Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin's "problem."
Father Ted: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin: I have no willy.

Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam.
Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?
Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.

Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead!
Father Dougal: What's the problem there, sister?

Ted: There were a lot of sloppy efforts in the best baby competition this year. A lot of very hairy babies.
Dougal: Well, Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before the show...

Terry (On the phone to Ted): Where is Craggy Island?. We can't find it on any maps.
Ted (smiling): Oh no, it wouldn't be on any maps. We're not exactly New York! No, the best way to find it is to head out from Galway and go slightly north until you see the English boats with the nuclear symbol. The go very close to the island when dumping the old 'glow-in-the-dark'.

Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father?
Father Ted: Yes, Tom?
Tom: I've killed a man.
Father Ted: (nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television!