Tom: (about the rabbits) I could run them down in me van!

Tom: Have you nothing I could kill at all all, Father?
Father Ted: Uh no Tom, no.
Tom: Well, feck it anyway!
Father Ted: Run Dougal, run quite fast!

Tony: (Losing patience) WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
Noel Furlong: (Offended) Well Tony, that wasn't very friendly. I don't think I like you any more. In fact, I'm putting you on my enemies list. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing). (Suddenly happy again) Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony".

Tour Guide: Now, this rock here is actually granite.
Father Ted: How long would that have been there?
Tour Guide: Oh, many, many millions of years.
Father Ted: Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.
Father Dougal: How come all the rocks are different sizes?
Tour Guide: Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
Father Dougal: Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
Tour Guide: Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
Father Dougal: How did everyone breathe?
Father Ted: They'd have had some sort of apparatus.
Father Dougal: Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!
Tour Guide: This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.
Father Ted: Really? Wow, I don't believe it.
[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]
Richard Wilson: You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!

(After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.)
Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!!

(As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.)
Father Dougal: Knock, knock!
Father Ted: Who's there?
Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Ted: Good night Dougal!

(As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.)
Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.)

(Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.)
Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven...
Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed.
Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy..
Father Ted: Name!
Father Dougal: Papa don't preach...
Father Ted: Dougal, you know you can praise God in other ways.
Father Dougal: Oh yeah, like that time you told me I could praise him just by leaving the room.
Father Ted: Yes, that was a good one all right.

Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal.
Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!

The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money...
Father Ted: God Almighty, that's going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?
Father Dougal: Hmmm....
Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (give knowing glance)
Dougal: Aha!
Ted: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Dougal: I think so, Ted. But now wait, I'm not sure....
Ted: What?
Dougal: I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?
Ted: (mystified) What are you talking about?
Dougal: Oh, wait a minute now - actually I might have been thinking about something different...
Ted: You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn't you?
Dougal: I did, yeah!
Ted: Well, Dougal, this isn't a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.
(The roof is leaking and water is dripping onto Father Jack's head down his arm and into his glass. Ted and Dougal begin to move Jack's chair away from the leak)

Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
Father Ted: You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.
Father Dougal: Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.
Father Ted: Should I?
Father Dougal: Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.
Father Ted: Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I?
Father Dougal: Yeah, go on!
Father Ted: Okay, hold the camera.
[Ted walks over to Wilson, who is talking to a tour guide]
Father Ted: (yells loudly) I don't believe it!
[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]
Richard Wilson: I'll bloody well kill you!
[Ted eventually escapes Wilson, and walks back to Dougal, looking shellshocked]
Father Dougal: Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?
Father Ted: No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now.

[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]
Father Dougal: Those women were in the nip!

[After Ted has climbed out of the plane, reattached the fuel line to the engine and saved the day, he remembers his fear of flying]
Father Ted: [terrified] AHHHHHH! WHAT AM I DOING ON THE FECKING WHEELS!? AHHHH!
A Christmassy Ted (Ted is having a pleasant dream when Dougal wakes him up)

[During Bishop Brennan's meeting with Pope John Paul II]
Bishop Brennan: HE DID KICK ME UP THE ARSE! [bowls the Pope aside and runs for a phone] Get me on the first plane back to Ireland! NOW, GODDAMN IT! [hangs up and sees the other priests, bishops and cardinals staring at him] What're ye looking at, huh!?

[Father Fitzpatrick and his Nazi friend take two valium]
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: Wait, these aren't Valium! These are the cyanide pills we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, you old fool, that's asking for trouble!
Nazi Veteran: Oh, shut up!
Father Seamus Fitzpatrick: You shut up! We've only got fifteen seconds to live!