Jeff: She confessed to protect her classmates, because you were threatening to flunk everyone!
Duncan: [Incredulous] You did what?
Chang: Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!
Duncan: Hey, British dentistry is not on trial!

Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.
Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?
Jeff: And now I have to get one from America.

Jeff: What is that?
Troy: It's a monkey.
Jeff: Why do you have a monkey?
Troy: It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

Jeff: You ever miss being a quarterback, Troy?
Troy: I miss being the best at something. I miss having a coach. I miss knowing what to think.
Jeff: You still know what to think, Troy.
Troy: Oh, good.
Jeff: For instance, after the Dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.
Troy: That dude looks like Moby?
Jeff: We were thinking, "What if Troy did play for Greendale?" You'd be surprised at how many of your favorite football players got started at community college.
Troy: Really? Name one.
Jeff: Who's your favorite player?
Troy: Me. Whoa!

Jeff: You know what makes humans different from other animals?
Troy: Feet!
Pierce: No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Mr. Nadir: Where do I find Mr. Britta?
Britta: I'm Mr. Britta. That's right. I'm a woman, with rights, and you can see my whole face.
Mr. Nadir: Oh, I get it, because I'm Arab I must hate women. Let me tell you something: I love women; in fact, I'm getting a major B-word vibe from you.
Jeff: Wow, I can't believe I missed out on getting involved in this!
Mr. Nadir: [to Jeff] You go host American Idol. [to Britta] And you stop messing with my son, he's a special boy. I raise him, OK? You don't raise him!
Britta: Raising him means letting him follow his dreams.
Mr. Nadir: Dreams are for sleeping.
Britta: You don't know that!
Mr. Nadir: It's clinically proven!
Britta: So's Polio!
Mr. Nadir: You lost me!

Pierce: [after trading drugs with Starburns] Hey, man, what'd you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth and I want to kiss everybody.
Starburns: What did you slip me, man? My heart stopped racing and I can't pee.

Pierce: [raising a glass] To the empowerage of words.
Jeff: To the irony of that sentence.

Pierce: Dean, I'm going to get some more coffee. You want anything?
Dean Pelton: Oh, yeah. A Desmond Tutu, with just enough cream to make it a Lou Diamond Phillips.
Pierce: A La Bamba, got it.

Pierce: I lived in my car for a stretch in the seventies. Nothing like bedding a woman in the vinyl backseat of a Skylark. Of course, we didn't have the same safety standards back then, so, heh, no condoms. I tell you, before AIDS, sex was like shaking hands.
Abed: Hence, AIDS.

Pierce: I say things others won't; that has value.

Pierce: Of course, it didn't help any that I can't have children. I'm not sterile; in fact, it's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?
Jeff: I can't. But you can, so that's fine.

Pierce: So, you guys formed an alliance without me?
Jeff: Yep. You with Starburns?
Pierce: Not if I can be with you. (promptly takes his gun and shoots Starburns) It's just Starburns.

Pierce: Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over!
Jeff: Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?
Pierce: I'm old, Jeff.
Jeff: Pierce, I don't know how you spent the first sixty years, but I know in the last two months you've probably doubled the national average for amount of life lived per lifetime.
Pierce: Well, I do have a young, African-American friend now.
Jeff: Yeah, and, more importantly, you're dressed like a gladiator, in a desk fort that you built during a bad trip. If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero to everything that's ever lived.

Pierce: Why don't we go get a beer? I'll give you some advice, and we can have what the kids are calling a 'sausage fest.'