Dr. John Becker: Don't tell me you didn't order any bandages.
Linda: I ordered ten thousand. I'm just not sure where they are.
Dr. John Becker: Well, here's a good idea: LOOK!

Dr. John Becker: For god's sake, if you're gonna kill yourself, at least have the decency to wait until after rush hour. (sees no one is in the diner)

Dr. John Becker: Hey, Jake. Let me ask you something. Say you're crossing the street and some guy yells at you because you're about to be hit by a bus.
Jake Malinak: What street?
Dr. John Becker: What's the difference?
Jake Malinak: Well, John, I'm tying to help you here, so...
Dr. John Becker: All right, fine, fine. Fourth and Road. You happy? The point is...
Jake Malinak: Is it a local or an express?
Dr. John Becker: What difference does it make?
Jake Malinak: Well, I want to know how fast it's going. Now, if it's a local, I know it's going to stop, but if it's an express, it's just going to come barreling through--
Dr. John Becker: I don't know what kind of bus it is, all right?
Jake Malinak: Okay, fine, fine. So, I'm crossing the street, and here comes some kind of bus which may or may not be going fast enough to hit me.
Dr. John Becker: Okay, you know what? The bus was going faster than I thought! You're dead!
Jake Malinak: Why does it always have to be the blind black guy crossing the street?
Dr. John Becker: Oh, all right! Fine, Jake! It's a white guy crossing the street!
Jake Malinak: Now we're talkin'! Is he big and slow?
Dr. John Becker: He's me! Okay?! I'm crossing the street!
Reggie: Oh, well that's easy. The bus hits you and nobody calls for help because everyone in this neighborhood knows you.

Dr. John Becker: Hey, M.J. How are you doing?
Marvin Johnson: Where do babies come from?
Dr. John Becker: (pause) Europe.

Dr. John Becker: Jake, let me give you a little tip: whatever you do, never, ever, go to a hospital. You got a problem, throw yourself in front of a train. It's quicker, it's cheaper and it's a hell of a lot less paperwork. Patient of mine went to this morning for surgery. By the time I get there, he's gone.
Jake Malinak: Oh, John. I'm sorry.
Dr. John Becker: No, he's not dead! He's gone! They lost him! They physically lost the entire person! Oh, yeah, they keep track of their $25 aspirin there, $40 Q-tips, but apparently poor, unconscious Mr. Barelli was just a little too slippery for them! But at least it was all worthwhile. When I got Mr. Barelli up to his room, he found the perfect way to thank me. Threw up all over my shoes.

Dr. John Becker: Jake.
Jake Malinak: (combing his hair) Yeah?
Dr. John Becker: If you don't want people to know you're blind, you might want to try staring into the shiny metal part instead of directly at the napkin.
Jake Malinak: (touches the napkin dispenser, of which the napkins are facing) Oh, damn.

Dr. John Becker: Just so you know, the only reason why he's helping you is because he wants to sleep with you.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Now, why would you say something like that?
Dr. John Becker: He's a college kid. Basically, that's a penis with a backpack.

Dr. John Becker: Know what I'm doing right now?
Jake Malinak: Hm?
Dr. John Becker: Giving you the finger.
Jake Malinak: John, I'm blind, I'm poor and I'm running a newsstand in the Bronx. God gave me the finger long before you ever did.

Dr. John Becker: Let me guess: long hair, sandals, has the pretentious college kid smirk you want to smack off with a baseball bat?
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Geez, Becker, you never even met him. It's like you pre-hate him.
Dr. John Becker: Saves time.

Dr. John Becker: Linda, help Theresa catch that kid! And find me those damn bandages!
Linda: What about the kid?
Dr. John Becker: First, do what I tell you then do what I told you!

Dr. John Becker: Linda, the point. What's your point?
Linda: That Mercury's in retrograde. That always makes people act very strangely.
Dr. John Becker: (scoffs) Astrology. What a load of crap.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: You don't think people's lives are affected by the stars?
Bob: Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities 'cause clearly, when Brad Pitt is in town, traffic is tied up around for hours.
Linda: I love Brad Pitt.
Bob: Me too. But in a totally non-gay way.
Dr. John Becker: Yeah, I gotta admit, I kinda envy Brad Pitt because he's not involved in this conversation.

Dr. John Becker: Linda, will you answer that damn phone?
Linda: Oh, all right. [answers phone] Hello, damn doctor's office!

Dr. John Becker: Look, I'll try to help you. I'll call the lab. They made a mistake once--
Mr. Garland: There's a chance I might not make it?!
Dr. John Becker: I promise I will exhaust ever possibility, but I'm only human, you know? In the end, you may have to come to grip with the fact that... you're gonna live.
Mr. Garland: (sulks out the door)

Dr. John Becker: Margret, there's a reason why they named a blind date after a disabling condition.

Dr. John Becker: Mr. Garland, I understand--
Mr. Garland: No, you don't understand. When I left your office that day, I was devastated. But then I figured if I've only got a short time to live, well, I'm going to go out in style. The first thing I did was quit my job, told my boss to go straight to hell. What'd I have to lose? You told me I was dying.
Dr. John Becker: I-I understand, but that's still just a job, you know? So you burned a bridge.
Mr. Garland: No. I burned his new BMW.
Dr. John Becker: Why would you do that?
Mr. Garland: Because you told me I was dying!
Dr. John Becker: Couldn't you pay him back?
Mr. Garland: No, I can't. I spent all my money on champagne, limos and lap dances.
Dr. John Becker: All of it?
Mr. Garland: I got a lot of lap dances.
Dr. John Becker: So, you spent all your money, and you lost your job, but all those things are fixable.
Mr. Garland: No. I haven't finished yet. After that, I maxed out my credit cards, cursed out my wife, and sent a photo copy of my ass to the IRS.