Delivery man: Do you want 'em all right here?
Dr. John Becker: No, no, why don't you leave the truck outside for a couple of months and if I need anything, I'll just go out and get it?

Dr John Becker: [to an elderly woman] Come on, lady! I've seen continents drift faster than this!

Dr John. Becker: [talking to a pregnant patient] Okay, Mrs. Capelos, you're gonna be just fine. In a couple of weeks, you're gonna be flat on your back with your legs in the air, screaming like a banshee. [after she leaves, under his breath] Pretty much what put you in that condition in the first place!

Dr. Harvey Cohen: By the way, what's the cat's name?
Dr. John Becker: It doesn't have a name.
Dr. Harvey Cohen: You must love him very much.
Dr. John Becker: Fine! Put down Harvey Cohen.
Dr. Harvey Cohen: You're naming the cat after me?
Dr. John Becker: Why not? It'll be easy for you to give up on a Muffin or Mittens, but you might have to think twice before you pull the plug on Harvey Cohen.

Dr. John Becker: (after a neighbor's music wakes him up) Hey, foreign guy! Whatever you're doing to the goat is not my idea of an alarm clock!

Dr. John Becker: (answers phone) Hello? Excuse me? Am I interested in changing my long distance carrier? (blows air horn into the phone) Thanks for calling.

Dr. John Becker: (looks at a patient's chart) Eczema. Thank you, God. (takes one look at her) Oh, brother.

Dr. John Becker: (on the phone) Well, when Mr. Marino gets back to the office, tell him to call Dr. Becker, please. (pause) He told you to tell me that? Well, I'm a doctor, and that's not physically possible.

Dr. John Becker: (reading a personal ad) "Get out of here, get to work, or I will fire you."

Dr. John Becker: (to Mr. Marino, who claims he "forgot" to take his medications) You remembered to keep smoking.
Mr. Marino: Who says I'm smoking?
Dr. John Becker: You're a lying, smoking bastard! I know because I'm one, too. Look, right now, you're being stupid. Do you want to be stupid and dead?
Mr. Marino: You use that mouth with all your patients?
Dr. John Becker: Only the stupid ones! It's real simple, Mr. Marino: You're walking across the street. A bus is coming at you. I'm trying to help you get out of the way. Even a five year-old is smart enough to do that. You think you might take directions as well as a five year-old?
Mr. Marino: You know what? I got some directions for you, pal! Why don't you go straight to Hell, take a left at Up Yours, and then make a right at Kiss my Ass!

Dr. John Becker: (to Mrs. Marino) I know why you want to kill him. (to Mr. Marino) And now I know why you want to die. Best of luck to both of you.

Dr. John Becker: (to two firefighters) Oh, come on. Just because you hear an alarm, does that mean you have to come racing over?

Dr. John Becker: (to two patients who tried to get drugs) Instead of getting high on drugs, why don't try getting high on life?! Oh, my god. I am officially a hundred years old.

Dr. John Becker: Am I the only one in this neighborhood who remembers that we're all here to help each other?
Theresa: Dr. Becker?
Dr. John Becker: Oh, what now?!

Dr. John Becker: Aw, Margaret, will you let go of that rat thing?
Margaret: (poking the ceiling with a broom) I can't, John. He's up there. I know he is.
Dr. John Becker: All right, get down. Get down. If it'll make you feel better, I'll go take a look.
Margaret: All right.
(Becker climbs a ladder to look above the ceiling panels)
Margaret: You see anything?
Dr. John Becker: (A huge rat shadow suddenly passes by him) Oh. Sweet Jesus.