Jake Malinak: (first lines) Becker's here!
(three people run out the door as Becker comes in)
Dr. John Becker: What I like about this place is that anytime I walk in, there's always a seat.

Dr. John Becker: You know what's killing this country? TV talk shows. I watched one last night. I should've just stuck a fork in my eye. You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping it off its shoe directly over my TV set. I'm telling you. Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, they're all broadcasting straight from Hell! When I watched one the other day... I don't even know what the hell it was. Apparently, some guy wanted to be a woman, so he chops it off. Then he decides he likes chicks after all, so he becomes a lesbian. Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: You know, Becker, you could've changed the channel.
Dr. John Becker: I did. I ran across a bisexual guy having a three-way with his aunt and uncle. I tell you, if I were his dog, I'd be on my toes.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Well, here's a wacky idea: turn it off!
Jake Malinak: Don't you see it, Reggie? He leaves the TV on so he can get upset!
Dr. John Becker: Nobody called on you. It doesn't matter if you turn the set off. The people are still in there! And, frankly, I like knowing what they're up to. Trust me on this one. White trash is the only natural resource this country will never run out of!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: You're really a miserable human being.
Dr. John Becker: Doesn't mean I'm not right.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Why don't you get a nicotine patch like the rest of the world.
Dr. John Becker: I tried one. They're too hard to light.

Dr. John Becker: Jake.
Jake Malinak: (combing his hair) Yeah?
Dr. John Becker: If you don't want people to know you're blind, you might want to try staring into the shiny metal part instead of directly at the napkin.
Jake Malinak: (touches the napkin dispenser, of which the napkins are facing) Oh, damn.

Man: You sure he's really a doctor? I mean, he's such an ass.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: He's not just a doctor. He's a brilliant doctor. As far I as I can tell, that's his only flaw, otherwise he'd be a perfect ass.

(talking to a patient who wasn't following the diet he put him on)
Dr. John Becker: Kind'a thought what? That I'll give a pat on that continent you call a butt, tell you everything is gonna be fine and send you home?
Mr. Capelli: Wow wow, aren't doctors supposed to be nice?
Dr. John Becker: Check out the Hippocratic Oath, it doesn't mention nice.

Annette Johnson: You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.
Dr. John Becker: Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas: So, what kind of car are you looking for?
Dr. John Becker: Basic transportation. Something to get me from here to there.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: Get a bicycle.
Jake Malinak: Uh-oh.
Regina "Reggie" Kostas: What? They're inexpensive, great exercise, and pollution-free.
Dr. John Becker: Oh, yeah. That's just what I want to be. Another schmuck riding down the street with a little bell and stupid helmet trying to save the environment. Like my little two-wheeler's going to make a difference in a city with fifty-million cabs belching out toxic smoke. "Oh, little Timmy can't breathe! But don't worry! Becker's riding a bike!"
Jake Malinak: (to Reggie) I tried to warn you.

(repeated line)
Multiple Characters: What's that?
Dr. John Becker: It's my air horn.

Dr. John Becker: My car broke down, so I had to take the bus. Have you done that lately? It's like being in an ethanol-powered Fellini film. The first thing I see is some woman breastfeeding her son- her ADULT son. Behind them is someone in this lovely Chanel evening gown who's either an unattractive man or really unattractive woman. The only seat I could find was next to some guy who claims he's Moses. He may well have been, too. He smelled like some guy who'd been dead for 3,000 years.

Margaret: Mrs. Cooper called at 11:00 last night. She didn't want to alarm us, but she wasn't sure she would make it through the night. 7:00 this morning, Mrs. Cooper called again. Apparently, she made it. 8:15, Mrs. Cooper called...
Dr. John Becker: She's here, isn't she?
Margaret: Room two.
Dr. John Becker: All right, give me the TV Guide. Let's see what we're dealing with.
Margaret: Already checked. There were two movies of the week last night. Lindsey Wagner had kidney failure and Patty Duke was going deaf. Usual bet?
Dr. John Becker: Fine. I'll take deafness, you've got renal shutdown. [Enters exam room] Mrs. Cooper, how are we doing today?
Patient: Excuse me, doctor. Could you speak up?
Dr. John Becker: (yells out to Margaret) Patty Duke!
Margaret: Damn!

Linda: (to a patient) Oh, they're sending you up for and MRI. Hope you're not claustrophobic. 'Cause, you know, they slide you into this long, dark tube, and you can't move. It's like, the walls are closing in, and then, there's this horrible, deafening, pounding noise, and you scream, and you scream but nobody can hear you. And then you wonder, 'what if there's a power failure, and I get stuck in here?!' It's like that movie where that guy was buried alive. What was that called? Oh, right! Buried Alive! And then, there's Buried Alive 2! How many movies must these people make before people learn?
Margaret: Linda, I'll finish up here. Why don't you go find something else to do?
Linda: Okay. (to the patient) Hope you make it.
Margaret: Mr. Lyles, relax. An MRI is nothing to be afraid of. (quietly) But you sure won't catch me in one.

Linda: (whispering) Dr. Becker, do you need any help?
Dr. John Becker: (whispers) No.
Linda: (still whispering) Are you sure?
Dr. John Becker: (whispers) Yes.
Patient: Oh, no. I am going deaf! I can hardly hear either one of you!
Dr. John Becker: That's because we were whispering.
Patient: What don't you want me to know?