Butt-head: This looks like that movie, One Flew In the Cuckoo's Nest.
Beavis: Oh yeah, where they got those guys from Taxi, only they're retarded.
Butt-head: Uhh, you know, I heard you're not supposed to call them retarded. You're supposed to call them...uhh, mentally superior or something.
Beavis: Oh yeah.

Butt-head: This makes me feel good.
Beavis: This video?
Butt-head: No. This! [Changes the channel]
Missing Persons, Words

Butt-head: This music is like, nice and peaceful music.
Beavis: Yeah, this is good if you just wanna like, just kinda mellow out or something.

Butt-head: This music is slow and fat.
Beavis: Yeah. This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape--if you're skinny and you wanna get fat!
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like you put this on, then you like pig out.
Beavis: And then every now and then, you just go "I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOU!!!"
Butt-head: Yeah. And then you just sit there and get fat.

Butt-head: This must be what happens when you lose your penis!
Beavis: Yeah! I always try to keep my johnson in my pants so I won't lose it!
Butt-head: You're pretty stupid, Beavis!
Kix, Cool Kids

Butt-head: This reminds me of that joke, where the guy goes to the psychiatrist's office, and he goes "Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken". And then the doctor says "Then why don't you choke her?"
Beavis: Oh yeah. [imitates chicken] Bawk-ba-bawk!
Green Day, Longview

Butt-head: This singer looks pretty mean.
Beavis: Do you think he gets all the chicks?
Butt-head: Probably not. I bet he, like, scares chicks.
Beavis: The only thing cooler than bands that get lots of chicks are bands that scare chicks.
Pantera, This Love

Butt-head: This song has the best lyrics I've ever heard.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! How did this guy come up with this stuff? Butt Town! You live in Butt Town, you gotta get down!
Butt-head: Yeah. This dude should hook up with Sir Mix-a-Lot, and they can like, sit around and talk about butts and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I'd like to see that.
Primal Scream, Rocks

Butt-head: This sounds like "Wipeout".
Beavis: [half-laughing] I think this is..."Butt-Wipeout". [laughs. Butt-head pretends to laugh]

Butt-head: This sucks more than anything I've ever seen
Beavis: Yeah, this sucks, like...like lots and lots.
Butt-head: Let me count the ways in which this sucks. Uh...one?
Beavis: Two...
Butt-head: Uh...four?
Beavis: Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...thirteen?
Butt-head: Uh...seven? Oh wait, we already counted that one.
Beavis: Yeah, but if it happened again, that means it sucks again.
Butt-head: Oh yeah! Um...eleventeen...
Butt-head: Uh...what comes after eleventeen again?
Beavis: Um...thirteen. [Resumes counting] Uh...fifteen...

Butt-head: This video is upbeat.
Beavis: This video makes me want to get up and beat it.
Butt-head: You said "up!"

Butt-head: This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.
Beavis: What do you mean? Like, like, um... one of those uvulas?
Butt-head: Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!
Butt-head: Uh... where?
Beavis: Um...
Butt-head: You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.
Beavis: Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.
Butt-head: Yeah. Then some chicks.
Beavis: Yeah! That would be cool.

Butt-head: Those drums sound cool.
Beavis: Yeah. [Imitates drum sound]
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis! I wonder what that drummer's listening to.
Beavis: He's probably listening to Pantera.
Butt-head: Yeah. Okay dude, get started. Put down your arms and start singing!

Butt-head: Told ya dude. Huh huh. He wants you.
[For this, Beavis' face turns red and whacks Butt-head's face with an oar. A fight ensues until both boys fell off the canoe]

Butt-head: Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!
Beavis: [Angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!
Butt-head: Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!
Beavis: [Calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]
Butt-head: [Scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool... So,uh... where do you think he killed him?
Beavis: Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [Points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.
Butt-head: Oh, yeah.
Beavis: Whoa! [Walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [Picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.
Butt-head: Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.
Beavis: Oh, yeah. [Throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [Spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.
Butt-head: Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [Makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!
Beavis: No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!
Butt-head: [Climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [Manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]
Beavis: Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [Punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!
Butt-head: [Knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!
Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [Growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!
Butt-head: [knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [Throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?
Beavis: [Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!
Butt-head: Buttknocker...
Beavis: SHUT UP!
Butt-head: Buttknocker...
Beavis: STOP IT!
Butt-head: Buttknocker...
Beavis: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Police Lieutenant: [Barges in] GET HIM!
Beavis: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [Growls uncontrollably]
Butt-head: [Watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [Laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.