Beavis: Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!
Butt-head: Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?
Butt-head: Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!
Helium, Pat's Trick

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, someone like, stole our women!
Butt-head: That sucks.
Beavis: Yeah! It doesn't just suck, Butt-head, it like ahhh, REALLY sucks! We're never gonna score! We're gonna be wussies! Forever!
Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis!
Beavis: No, I can't settle down! We're NEVER gonna score! We'll get cars and like, we'll get jobs, and we'll have to like, mow lawns and scrub the grill, but we're never gonna score EVER! It's gonna suck!
Bouncer: Hey, I warned you to be quiet! Don't make me come up there!
Beavis: Shut up, asswipe! You probably score! And you're a dork! I'm NEVER gonna score! I'M NEVER GONNA SCORE! IT'S GONNA SUCK! AHHHHHHHHH! AAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, this is like that thing they play, like, really late at night when the station's, like, going off the air.
Butt-head: Yeah, only the music's alot cooler. This should, like, be the National Anthem.
Beavis: Yeah, the National Anthrax.
Butt-head: Yeah, like they could play it at baseball games and stuff.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Like, the Judds could come out and go: "I CAN'T LOOK AT YOU! I CAN'T LOOK LIKE YOU!"
Butt-head: That's pretty good Beavis. You sound just like the Judds.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are they gonna do to us?
Butt-head: I think they're gonna make us take one of those polygrip tests.
Beavis: Oh yeah, that stuff's cool. I found some of that at Anderson's house, and it was like, I put it on my teeth and I was walking around going [clenches teeth together] rrrghgrggrhgrhg.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what are those lights for?
Butt-head: That's so they can see when they're crawling around inside your butt.
Beavis: No way, you mean it's dark in your butt?
Butt-head: Yeah. You know when they say "Stick it where the sun don't shine"? They're talking about your butt.
Beavis: Oh. I thought it meant, like, under your pillow, or something. But if it's dark inside your butt, how do the turds find their way out?
Butt-head: I think they can see in the dark, like bats.
Beavis: Oh. That makes a lot of sense.
Scorpions, Rock You Like a Hurricane

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what is a black hole?
Butt-head: It's sorta like a bunghole. But it's like...
Beavis: [interrupting] Whoa, Butt-head check it out! That's the chick from Whale, remember? That hobo slumping hobo slut, uhh...remember?
Butt-head: Shut up Beavis, I was explaining something!
Beavis: Oh, sorry.
Butt-head: So, a black hole is this giant bunghole in outer space. It sucks up the whole universe, then it grinds it up and sends it all to Hell.
Beavis: Really? That's cool. How do you know all this stuff?
Butt-head: From watching Star Trek, bunghole.
Soundgarden, Outshined

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, who is this buttknocker anyways?
Butt-head: Uh...this is James.
Beavis: James who?
Butt-head: His parents asked him not to use their last name, because like, he sucks.
Beavis: His parents said "Son, we know you suck, and that's OK, but could you just not use our name?"
Butt-head: Yeah. And then they hugged him.
Beavis: Yeah. What a wuss!
James, Rick, Super Freak

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, who is this?
Butt-head: Uh...I think it's Seinfeld.
Beavis: Really? I didn't know Seinfeld rocked!
Butt-head: Uh...this is like back before he had his show. It's like, you know...Queen Latifah used to do videos and how she has a show?
Beavis: Oh yeah. I like the fat dude on Seinfeld.
Butt-head: I think he replaced the drummer. Remember the episode where they talked about choking their chicken?
Beavis: I thought they talked about not choking their chicken.
Butt-head: Yeah. I like that episode where he can see Elaine's boobs on the Christmas card.
Beavis: No way Butt-head! I couldn't see them!
Butt-head: Yeah, you could see her boobs! TV needs more stuff like that.
Color Me Badd, I Wanna Sex You Up

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, whose trailer is that?
Butt-head: Uhh...it kinda looks like my Uncle Mike's.
Beavis: Really? He has all those butterflies and crap on it?
Butt-head: No, you're thinking of my Grandma's trailer.
Beavis: Oh yeah. Your Grandma's a slut.
Butt-head: I know. So what?

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, why are we watching this?
Butt-head: Uhh...I dunno.
Extreme, Hole-Hearted

Beavis: HEY BUTT-HEAD, WILL THE TV GO UP ANY LOUDER??
Butt-head: LET ME SEE!! [presses the volume button on the remote to find it is at maximum level] UHH, I THINK THAT'S AS LOUD AS IT GOES!!
Beavis: DAMN IT!! WE NEED TO GET A LOUDER TV!!
Butt-head: LET'S GET CLOSER TO THE TV!!
Beavis: YEAH, OKAY!! NOW IT'S HURTING MY EYES AND MY EARS!!
Butt-head: YEAH!! THIS IS COOL!!
Pantera, Mouth For War

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, you know like sometimes when we get rides home, you know it's like, a lot of dude's, and they're all stuffed in the back seat like that?
Butt-head: Uh, yeah?
Beavis: Um, is it normal to get wood?
Butt-head: Beavis, you boner popping pervert! It's not even normal to ask!
Beavis: Oh, okay!

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think I might throw up.
Butt-head: Cool. That might like, take some time.
Beavis: [leans over and gags, then coughs] ...I can't do it.
Butt-head: [gags as well] Uh...me neither. And there's like, an hour and a lot of minutes before something cool's on TV. Time sucks.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.
Butt-head: Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.

Beavis: hey butthead, look what i found yesterday.
Butt-head: WOAH, where'd ya find it?
Beavis: Anderson's house.