Mr. Carlson: Well, Herb, what do you think? What we have here is an ad for Soul Suds Shampoo, a shampoo that's exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I right?
Herb: Yes, sir.
Mr. Carlson: Then why are we looking at a picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?
Herb: [into the phone] You call yourselves printers? There were fifty photos of a black guy in a tuxedo holding a bottle of shampoo, and one photo of a white guy barbecuing, and you used the white guy! ... I don't care which photo I marked. I made the mistake and you people were supposed to catch it, that's what I pay you for. Don't you remember? I screw up everything! You should know that if it comes from me, it's wrong!

Mr. Carlson: Where do they go, anyway, Travis?
Andy: What's that, sir?
Mr. Carlson: The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.

Mr. Carlson: Who's she?
Jennifer: Bailey Quarters.
Mr. Carlson: She work here?
Jennifer: Uh-huh.
Mr. Carlson: I like her.
Jennifer: I know. You say that every time you meet her.
Mr. Carlson: I do?

Mr. Hopkins: [on Herb] I will not be taught how to live by a man in a white belt!

Mrs. Carlson: [to Andy] If you're going to grab me, do it nicely--in the back seat of my Rolls.

Mrs. Carlson: Why Hirsch! This coffee's delicious!!
Hirsch: Umm hmm. That's because we were having a guest, Madame. When it's just you and me, I prepare it a little differently.

Nikki: I know what you're thinking, Herb. You're thinking God didn't make me this way. Well, God didn't make polyester either. You know what I'm saying, Herb?
Herb: I know what you're saying, I have no idea what it means.

Officer: You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.
Johnny: Yes, it's true. It was once sort of a hobby.

Sparky: So, Derek, how does your team look?
Derek Doogle: Uh, mostly Venezuelan.

Steel: I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?
Les: [pauses] Les.

Venus: [on getting older] I took a look at my wardrobe, and I asked myself, "does a grown man dress like this?"

Venus: [on Herb's suit] Somewhere there's a Volkswagen without seat covers.

Venus: [to Andy] If you're not back in four hours, I'm going all Christmas music! Think about it, I mean it!

Venus: Andy's dating Mrs Carlson!
Andy: Don't tell anybody!
Venus: Andy's not dating Mrs Carlson!
Johnny: Which one, his wife or his mother?
Andy: His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?
Johnny: Gee, Travis, I don't know!

Venus: Andy, Little Ed weighs about 300 pounds.
Andy: He does?
Venus: That's right.
Andy: Why do they call him Little Ed?
Venus: Because his wife is Big Ed.