Herb: Commission City! Open your pearly gates to Herb Tarlek and say...
Jennifer: [Suddenly opening the door] There's a dead man in the lobby!

Herb: Dip?
Venus: None for me, thanks.
Les: Do you have any chips?
Herb: What do you want, the world?

Herb: Hey, Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!
Jennifer: [Smiling] Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.
Herb: Hey. I'm in sales!

Herb: I had a horrible dream last night.
Everyone else: Awww!
Herb: Yeah. I dreamt that John and Jennifer really were married. There were all these little kids running around, and they all had on sweatshirts and dark glasses and three-day beards. And they all started chasing me. All the little Johnnys caught me and tied me up, and I started screaming for help, and then all the little Jennifers just ignored me! And then they grabbed my white belt and just started beating me!

Herb: I'm telling you, without that "Greenhouse effect," we'd all freeze to death.
Les: Not so!
Herb: Les, it would be one hundred degrees below zero at night!

Herb: Morning, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Morning, Herb.
Herb: Any calls?
Jennifer: No.
Herb: Messages?
Jennifer: Nope.
Herb: Mail?
Jennifer: None.
Herb: Okay, how about lunch?
Jennifer: No lunch either.
Herb: Dinner?
Jennifer: Busy.
Herb: Okay, how about later, my place?
Jennifer: You're married, Herb.
Herb: Oh, yeah.

Herb: Mother Carlson, how nice to see you, what a lovely surprise!
Mrs. Carlson: Down, boy.
Herb: Yes, ma'am.

Herb: My wife and I went to Washington about three years ago. The Lincoln Memorial is pretty good. There's a great big guy sitting in a chair.

Herb: Now listen, these are the copy points you have to work into the jingle, ok? A: 'All weather floral arrangements'...
Venus: What does that mean?
Johnny: Uh, that's plastic flowers.
Herb: ...B: 'Maintenance free artificial turf'....
Johnny: Plastic grass....
Herb: ...C: 'They accept all major credit cards'.
Johnny: That would be your plastic money.

Herb: She threatened to set the whole city on fire by setting matches to my suit.
Bailey: Herb, did you order those petitions?
Herb: No. What do you think of that?
Bailey: Andy, do you have any matches?

Herb: Suppose I were to tell you that I've been having serious troubles at home?
Andy: Is that true?
Herb: No. But if it were true, my behavior would be acceptable, right?
Andy: Well, maybe, Herb, but that's not the point.
Herb: Sure, it's the point! Acceptable behavior. I mean, why is it okay for certain people to come floating in here on God knows what, but if I have one little drink --
Andy: I don't care what people's hobbies are, but I do care when it starts to affect their work, and I don't care who they are, if they start blowing it.
Herb: So what do you want?
Andy: I want you to shape up.
Herb: So what's new, Travis?

Herb: Uh, Les, this is Herb speaking. Now, I just want you to know that...if you jump, I'll jump too.
Les: Thanks, Herb.

Herb: Unless someone comes out here right now and helps me with this piano, I'm never ever going to speak to any of you again for as long as I live!
[silence]

Herb: Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.
Venus: Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.
Herb: I wasn't trying to hide anything!
Andy: Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.
Venus: Human.
Herb: Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?
Venus: Where'd you get that speech?
Herb: Read it on a T-Shirt.

Herb: You know what we call problems in sales? We call them opportunities.
Mr. Hopkins: Les, your friend is a twit.