Jack: Oh my God, I love TV. Buffy is my life! I'm so into Willow being a lez.

Jack: Oh, look! My ride's here, and it's a huff! I believe I'll leave in it!

Jack: Okay, here's the scoop, Jackson. Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend. All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen is making me do inventory. So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday. Please just say yes. I promise I won't ask for anything else again!
Will: Okay.
Jack: Damn you, Will! Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips!
Will: Hey, lord of the ring-dings, I said I'd do it.
Jack: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't listening.

Jack: Ring... Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling, bye bye

Jack: So I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
Will: Forward?

Jack: So what's cookin,' average lookin'?

Jack: Thrilled to be here. Love you. Love everything about you. Thinking about being you for Halloween.

Jack: Well, look at you. You're like an icon to gay men.
Karen: Oh!
Jack: You've got the sass, the class, the ass.

Jack: Wow. Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.

Jack: You couldn't do my job for one night. I challenge you!
Will: Okay, I'll do it.
Jack: Ha! I knew you wouldn't do it because you are scared.
Will: I agreed.
Jack: What just happened?

Jack: You don't get to have ideas. This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."
Karen: Oh! Old? Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago. Besides, I was just trying to help.
Jack: You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant... and let's not forget where that word comes from -- Latin, meaning "ass of an ant." So keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it? [ leaves the room]
Karen: I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

Jack:...but when we get to Saint Bart's I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again![1]

Jack:You're not a lesbian.....say something lesbionic
Elliot's mom: Home Depot
Jack:K.D.Lang you are a lesbian

Judith McFarland: [in response to Jack telling her he is gay] Looking back on it... there have been clues. When you were a child, you were overly fond of the nursery rhyme "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub". And you do have a lot of flamboyantly gay friends. I mean, look at Will!

Karen: You wouldn't happen to have a breath mint, would you?
Lady: Why, yes, I do. It's in my purse.
Karen: Well, pop it! It's not doing you any good in there!
Lady: How offensive!
Karen: Honey, it's your breath, not mine.