Grace: [to the maid] At least Mary Poppins did it with a song and a dance -- you're like a spoonful of whoopass!

Grace: Can you please fax this application over to the realtor?
Karen: Oh, honey. Machinery. No.

Grace: I thought I would cook Shepherd's Pie.
Will: Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in Shepherd's Pie?
Grace: Um... shepherds? Sheep? Pie?

Grace: Jada Pinkett.
Will: Mmm.
Grace: Hate her.
Will: Wow, that's kinda harsh. I mean, she's not very...
Grace: Will, you know the rules. Love or hate. No gray area, just like life.
Will: Hate her.
Grace: Good boy.

Grace: Just F.Y.I. The first three letters in "assistant" spell "ass," so please get off yours.

Grace: Karen, I'm not gonna marry someone just because I want a nice apartment.
Karen: Um... yes. That- that would be wrong.
Grace: It would be settling. I want to marry "the one."
Karen: And well you should, honey. How else are you gonna get to the two and the three?

Grace: You know what the funny part is? [laughs] There is no funny part! My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even... funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...
Will: Grace...
Grace: I haven't had sex in five months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing... bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." [sobs.]

Grace: You know, I thought I knew everything about you. But you're a mystery. Wrapped in a riddle. Surrounded by enigma. Growing boobies.

Grace: Your cook's name is "Cook"?
Karen: No, Grace, he has a name. I just don't remember it. No wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me... "Where are my damned eggs... Paul!" Paul. God, Paul is dead. Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?

Jack: Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3P0.
Will: Jack, C-3P0 is not gay. He's British.

Jack: FYI, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.

Jack: Hmm, let's take a look at a little clip from when it was still the "Michael and Will Show"... before it was canceled. "Will, can I change your throw pillows?" "No!" "Will, can I put my sweaters on your shelf?" "No!" "Will, can anyone live with a control freak nightmare like you? I'm gonna say 'no.'"

Jack: I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.
Will: Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.
Jack: Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?
Will: Smelly.
Grace: Hairy.
Jack: Thank you, friends.
Karen: Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.

Jack: I... love this dog! We totally bonded. We just sat there together in the park. He checked out butts. I checked out butts.

Jack: So I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
Will: Forward?