Jack: FYI, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.

Karen: You know, marriage is... what? Marriage is... Marriage is, okay? What the hell, that's all you need to... Grace? Oh! Now she's gone. She's gone, and I'm sitting here talking to myself like a crazy person. Oh, my God, listen to me. I'm still doing it!

Grace: Can you please fax this application over to the realtor?
Karen: Oh, honey. Machinery. No.

Grace: Karen, I'm not gonna marry someone just because I want a nice apartment.
Karen: Um... yes. That- that would be wrong.
Grace: It would be settling. I want to marry "the one."
Karen: And well you should, honey. How else are you gonna get to the two and the three?

Jack: Hmm, let's take a look at a little clip from when it was still the "Michael and Will Show"... before it was canceled. "Will, can I change your throw pillows?" "No!" "Will, can I put my sweaters on your shelf?" "No!" "Will, can anyone live with a control freak nightmare like you? I'm gonna say 'no.'"

Grace: Just F.Y.I. The first three letters in "assistant" spell "ass," so please get off yours.

Jack: So I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.
Will: Forward?

Will: What are you talking about? You're not a performer.
Jack: I am now. Me, a piano and a spotlight. I'm calling it "Just Jack." Here's my flyer. "Just Jack." One night only. "Just Jack."
Will: Why one night? Oh, it's open mic night.
Jack: Bring Grace...or a date. Ha ha, I'm just kidding.
Will: [reads flyer] "A roller-coaster ride of emotions." Who said that?
Jack: A critic...OK, my shrink.

Karen: Honey, I can't go. I have a home, a husband and three beautiful stepchil -- No, wait. Two. Two beautiful stepchildren. Sorry. Yeah. Olivia and...
Jack: Mason?
Karen: Honey, I was getting there.

Jack: Well, look at you. You're like an icon to gay men.
Karen: Oh!
Jack: You've got the sass, the class, the ass.

Grace: You know, I thought I knew everything about you. But you're a mystery. Wrapped in a riddle. Surrounded by enigma. Growing boobies.

[Jack comes in dressed as an alien.]
Will: sherif , after closer examination, I believe I have identified the lifeform as ... gaylien.
Grace: We come in peace. Please do not rearrange our furniture.

Karen: Grace, desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!

Will: First of all they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.
Jack: No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.
Will: On what? The Delusional Channel?

Jack: I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.
Will: Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.
Jack: Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?
Will: Smelly.
Grace: Hairy.
Jack: Thank you, friends.
Karen: Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.